


My Beautiful Mess

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, I'm Bad At Tagging, JDox, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:35:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5039548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It doesn't take a genius to see that you're lonely, Newbie.  In fact, you told us as much when you had your little outburst tonight.”</p><p>“Yeah, but, and no offense meant here, why you? I can't think of anyone more indifferent to my suffering to be honest.”</p><p>Starts at 2x18, My T.C.W. Lots of angsty, "I Have Feelings for My Mentor" feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Still Haven't Found

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, and welcome to chapter one of My Beautiful Mess! I'm really excited for this fic, mostly because I actually planned it out (which is damn near unheard of for yours truly). It's based on a JDox playlist I made with each of the chapter titles referring to a song.
> 
> Now, some notes about the fic: I'm playing fast and loose with canon here, people. The fic begins in 2x18, My T.C.W. I've decided to use that episode as a jumping off point, but some of the surrounding details of canon are changed/nonexistent. For example, Dr. Cox and Jordan are still separated and she is not pregnant with Jack. If there are any big diversions from canon (apart from the obvious), I'll be sure to throw them in the notes before the chapter. 
> 
> So anyway, I hope you all enjoy this fic and please, please, please leave kudos and comments! They make me very happy! Without further ado, here's Chapter 1: Still Haven't Found!

 

I was barely paying attention to Dr. Cox – after all, it was the same old rant, just with different words. This time he was going on about the parents of a child who we were treating. Then he said something that I knew in my heart of hearts was not something I should have responded to, but I was exhausted (in general and of him).

“But I'll tell you one thing, and you can damn sure take it to the bank, my mother never paid that much attention to me.”

“It doesn't show,” I muttered, barely even aware that I was saying it out loud.

He whistled at me, garnering my full attention, “Word to the wise there, Astro. Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog –” another ridiculous, self-prescribed nickname to endure – “so consider this a warning because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little passive-aggressive aside, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the world's brightest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days.”

And with that, he stormed away, his lab coat flapping behind him. I found myself wondering – instead of fearing imminent death upon Dr. Cox's threat – just what my greatest insecurity was. My mind flashed briefly to my hair – relax, Dorian, there will never be a shortage of hair sculpting products – then to my slightly doughy physique, but eventually landed on my utter loneliness.

Sure, I had great friends like Turk and Carla and Elliot, but I still felt alone. Perhaps it was because every relationship I'd had since high school had ended up in shambles or because I couldn't keep my mind off Tasty Coma Wife – or Jamie, rather. I knew pursuing her was wrong. Her husband had been in a coma for ages, but that didn't mean he was dead. Jamie had a duty to her husband and I had a duty to medicine. That was the way it had to be, and for good reason. Nothing good could ever come out of a relationship like that.

I sighed and rounded the corner, coming to rest on the counter of the nurses' station. Carla was there, angrily placing files into their appropriate places. I opened my mouth to greet her but when she looked up and saw me, she immediately launched into a tirade about Turk's latest wrongdoing.

“Can you believe him, Bambi? He actually tried to give me a ring that had been in not only his stomach, but in a nine year old boy's stomach! Does he think –”

“No offense, Carla,” I said slowly, cutting her off and making her nostrils flare in a menacing way, “but I actually have my own problems to deal with right now.”

I stalked off toward the on-call room, not really sure why I'd lashed out at Carla. She was frustrated too, just like me, though for different reasons. She wasn't falling for a woman whose husband was in a coma. No, that was me. I couldn't let this happen. I had to be honest with Jamie, that my first priority was my job and that nothing could happen between us, not under these circumstances. But then again...

It was hard to control my thoughts as Jamie walked down the hallway toward me, looking as stunning as ever. It was weird realizing that I missed someone I barely knew.

“Hey, stranger,” she said warmly.

“Hey, Jamie,” I said. I wanted nothing more than to ask her out, to see where this relationship could go, but I held myself back. “Listen, I – I want to talk to you, but I actually have to go check on a patient, so I'll catch up with you later...?”

She smiled, but I didn't miss her expression falter. “Sure, JD.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Elliot, Turk, Carla, and I all sat at a table in the cafeteria, grazing at our lunches. Dr. Cox sat at a table just across the aisle, not eating anything. There was a palpable tension in the room, so I decided to break it.

“I decided to ask Jamie on a date,” I said proudly.

“Who?” Carla asked confusedly.

“You know,” Turk said, “Tasty Coma Wife.”

Surprisingly, Dr. Cox piped up. I didn't even know he'd been paying attention to us. “Nice job there, Hooch. Tell ya what, you give me a little prep time and I'll have it rigged up so that the husband can come along with you. Honest to god, I'll have him sitting up right there next to you, no problem-o, what do you say?”

Carla regained her composure first and she turned to face me, eyes narrowed. “I can't believe you, Bambi!”

“She is so right,” Turk agreed, though I thought it might just be to get back in her good graces.

“What are you thinking?” Elliot asked.

“Oh, Rin Tin Tin,” Dr. Cox muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.

Suddenly it was all too much. I was furious with the lot of them. “Shut up, shut up, shut up, and shut up!” I yelled, rising from my chair to face them all. I was vaguely aware of the other people in the cafeteria, but they soon scattered, leaving us to our business. I was shouting now. I didn't even know where the sudden anger come from, but it was rearing its head and I was powerless to stop it. “Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long!” Elliot's dejected look only served to egg me on.

Then I noticed Dr. Cox's red-hot glare from the next table. He deserved this more than any of them. “And you know what, glare all you want, Big Dog,” I said mockingly, “okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you.” He raised his eyebrows at me, his expression that of surprise. It wasn't often that I stood up to him. “Not having the attention on you for once, that must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me! Isn't it? Look at me!” I was so tired of hearing about Jordan's various flings, about her she-beast claws, and everything that went along with it. Dr. Cox had it so much better than he even knew.

Then I rounded on Turk and Carla, finding it nearly impossible to stop now that I'd started. “And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? You must be the first couple to ever do that ever. It can't be because you're just scared!” Carla looked down at her hands in her lap and Turk looked from me to Carla. He didn't seem angry, instead looking like a dog that'd been scolded. His expression almost broke me out of it, but then I looked over at Elliot who was nearly shaking.

“And you. You know what,” I said, nearly laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all, “let's just forget that a month ago you told me you couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone because, for me, it's actually really fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is.” She nodded, glaring at me, but I knew my words had cut deep.

“Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys,” I said scathingly as they all looked up at me, “is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.”

I felt my anger subsiding into a crippling sadness so I made my way out of the cafeteria, where I ran into Jamie. Hoping against hope that she hadn't heard anything I'd said, I asked her how long she'd been there.

“Oh, I just got down here. Had to take the stairs. The janitor was mopping up what smelled suspiciously like vomit...”

I looked at her, taking in her sweet smile and kind eyes and realized that I couldn't do this. “Jamie,” I said in a tone she instantly recognized.

“JD, I'll save you the trouble,” she said, sadness in her tone. “Nothing can happen between us. I'm still married to my husband and you're his doctor. You're just doing what's right and I can't blame you for that. Thanks for being so nice to me, though.”

“I – er, yeah,” I said lamely, turning to watch her as she walked past me and outside into the night. I glanced down at my watch, realizing that my shift had ended nearly twenty minutes ago, when a strong hand gripped my shoulder. I expected to turn and see Turk, but nearly jumped ten feet backward when I saw it was Dr. Cox.

“What do you say we get out of here, Newbie, go grab some real food?” His voice was subdued and gruff.

“Uh, sure, that'd be nice,” I said, not sure why I agreed. Did I really believe anything productive would come from this? For all I knew, Dr. Cox was going to take me out behind the hospital and shoot me. I probably deserved it after that outburst. “I'll just go grab my coat.”

Dr. Cox nodded and released my shoulder, looking surprised that he had still been holding it. I hurried, without consciously doing so, up to my locker and grabbed my things, half expecting Dr. Cox to be gone, but there he was in the lobby, waiting with his car keys in hand.

“Won't Jordan be worried you're not home?” I asked conversationally.

“Jordan's staying with her mother right now,” he said easily, no hint of emotion to his voice.

“I see. So...” We'd made it out to the parking lot and I was a little confused. Was Dr. Cox offering me a ride? What was this?

“Just get in the car, Newbie,” Dr. Cox said with a touch of frustration in his voice now. Oddly, that put me at ease. Perhaps it was because the frustration made me far less suspicious that a body snatcher had taken control of Dr. Cox.

I did as Dr. Cox said and got into his Porsche, trying to keep my awe to a minimum, but it was a gorgeous vehicle. “So where are we going?” According to the clock on the dashboard, it was just after eleven. I didn't imagine that many places would be open so late.

“I know a place,” Dr. Cox said simply, pulling out of his parking spot and turning onto the busy road.

Fifteen minutes later, we were seated at a booth in an old-fashioned diner. I'd been to places like it but never one so authentic. It felt like we'd stepped back into the 50s. “Shame I left my poodle skirt at home,” I joked, earning a half-hearted eye roll from Dr. Cox.

A waitress with blonde hair and an obviously stuffed bra came over and took our order. Turk would be so jealous that I was having brinner without him.

“Uh, Dr. Cox,” I began quietly. He turned his head to look at me, waiting patiently. “Was there any particular reason you brought me here? I mean you're not going to kill me and have them turn me into pies, right?”

Dr. Cox's brows furrowed for a moment before he answered. “It doesn't take a genius to see that you're lonely, Newbie. In fact, you told us as much when you had your little outburst tonight.”

I blushed, already feeling guilty about yelling at everyone, even at Dr. Cox. “Yeah, but, and no offense meant here, why you? I can't think of anyone more indifferent to my suffering to be honest.”

I saw the flash of emotion on Dr. Cox's face, though I couldn't pinpoint what it was. “Believe what you want, Belinda. I just can't have you spontaneously crying on patients, now can I?”

I pursed my lips, wanting to respond, but our waitress returned with our food and I hastily shoved a forkful of hashbrowns into my mouth.

The rest of our time at the diner passed by quickly with little conversation. I couldn't stop thinking about the look on Dr. Cox's face when I'd said he was indifferent about me. Before I could really try and decipher the look, he was at the counter paying the check then whistling at me so we could leave. I stood, gathering up my coat and following Dr. Cox out of the diner and to his car.

The ride back to my apartment was silent but for the noise of the car's engine, which was almost imperceptibly quiet. We said nothing to each other until he pulled up next to my apartment building a few minutes later, not even bothering to shift the car into park. “Thanks, Dr. Cox, for tonight.”

He grunted and nodded in response. I could tell he was uncomfortable, probably regretting the whole night by now. “See ya tomorrow, Newbie.”

He sped off as soon as I closed the passenger door. When I got up to the apartment, it was dark and quiet so I knew Turk and Carla had already gone to bed. Maybe they'd made up. I hoped so.

It wasn't until I had showered and changed my clothes and rested my head on my pillow that I realized what look had flashed across Dr. Cox's face: empathy. Did that mean he cared about me, and that tonight had been a genuine attempt to show me that? I couldn't believe it. That wasn't Dr. Cox, that wasn't our relationship. I fell asleep to the thought of him actually caring for me, a smile on my face.

\------------------------------------------

Dr. Cox's POV

I debated heading straight for the bar after I dropped Newbie off, but I decided this was not a time for drinking in public. What was I doing, taking him out to eat? Sure, the kid was lonely, but what did I care? Since he'd started working at the hospital, I'd built up a wall between us, never letting him in for more than a few moments once in a great while.

I walked through the door to my apartment, setting my keys down on the table next to the entrance. I locked the door behind me and collapsed onto the couch. I was exhausted. I'd just worked a fourteen hour shift and then turned around and took Newbie out to dinner. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, settling for ESPN but not really paying attention to it. Instead, I looked through the TV screen and saw Newbie's face, his expression when he'd asked why I was the one to take him out when I was indifferent to his suffering.

For some reason unknown to me, his words bothered me. Sure, I guess that was the way it appeared to him, but I wasn't indifferent to him. I cared about him in my own way. Every rant, every joke was supposed to teach him something. Was it conventional? No, definitely not, but I would have thought for sure that he'd figured it out by now. He'd been under my supervision for almost two full years now and I liked to think that my teaching methods had helped get him through his internship. Maybe that was just my ego talking, but Newbie had learned a lot at Sacred Heart and it certainly wasn't because of Bob Kelso or any of his cronies.

I grumbled and turned the TV off. It wasn't doing anything for me and neither was the bottle of scotch sitting on my coffee table. Tomorrow – scratch that, today – was my day off and I didn't need to spend it nursing a hangover. I ambled over to my bedroom, the one I'd previously shared with Jordan before she'd decided we weren't working out again. Good on her, really, for getting out of this mess. I kicked off my shoes and shed my scrubs, leaving them to lie on the floor. I climbed into bed and let my head fall against the cool pillow.

For the rest of the night, sleep seemed to hover just out of my reach. Nothing much out of the ordinary except for the face that kept appearing when I closed my lids. Piercing blue eyes stared back and me, judging me for my indifference, and no amount of tossing and turning changed that.


	2. Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2! Sorry for the lack of one Dr. Cox, but he needed a day off. I promise he'll be back for more in the next chapter! As always, please let me know your thoughts and leave kudos and comments! Onward!

Things the next morning were a little awkward. Carla was in the kitchen when I woke up and she was very careful around me. For a moment, I entirely forgot my outburst and wondered why she was acting so strangely. Of course it was then that I remembered the things I had said.

“Carla, listen, I'm really –”

“You have nothing to apologize for, JD, you were just being honest,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone. I was almost certain she'd been practicing her speech. “If anyone should be apologizing, it should be Elliot, Turk, and me. We've been selfish and we weren't there for you when you needed us. Now, I'm not sure that I can say the same for Dr. Cox, but, I know the three of us are all sorry.”

It became clear to me that Carla didn't know I'd been with Dr. Cox last night. I assumed that Dr. Cox had told them his plans before he'd left the cafeteria, but now that seemed silly. Why would Dr. Cox announce that he was going to take me out to eat? It was obvious to everyone in the hospital his disdain for me, though now I knew that wasn't entirely true. 

“Carla?” I said quietly. “Dr. Cox... Well, he took me out to eat last night.”

Carla's face screwed up in confusion and Turk chose that moment to emerge from his and Carla's bedroom. 

His eyes, though still puffy from sleep, widened at this information. “Cox did what now?”

JD sighed. “After I left the cafeteria yesterday, I ran into Jamie and we basically agreed we weren't gonna pursue anything right now. Then Dr. Cox came up behind me and asked if I wanted to go get some 'real food'.” I replayed the scene in my head, taking care to note how Dr. Cox's large hand had felt on my shoulder. “He took me to this cheesy diner and – oh god, Turk, we had brinner, I'm so sorry –” I had to laugh as Turk's eyes widened even more and his hand flew to his heart. “We didn't talk much but I got the feeling that he actually gave a crap how I was feeling.”

“You're sure you didn't just dream this, dude?” Turk asked.

“One hundred percent sure, Chocolate Bear.”

“You know, Dr. Cox isn't the soulless bastard you think he is, Turk,” Carla interjected. “Sure, he's harsh and downright mean some of the time – okay, most of the time,” she corrected at Turk's expression, “but he does have a heart. I've seen it. You know, not his actual, physical heart – oh, you know what I mean.”

I nodded, giving Carla a smirk. “I know. It was just kind of weird. He was pretty quiet the whole time, but it was nice spending time with him outside of work. He was different.”

Carla smiled. “Well, I'm glad you had a nice time, Bambi, but do yourself a favor and don't mention it to him at work.”

I looked at Carla in confusion. “Why not?”

“I think you'll find yourself in a world of hurt if you talk about going on a date with Dr. Cox at the hospital.”

I spluttered incoherently. “It was not a date, Carla! That's – that's completely ridiculous and I don't – We didn't go on a date!”

“Calm down, JD, I was just kidding!” Carla laughed, handing Turk his breakfast. 

I smiled half-heartedly, but something inside me wondered why Carla would say that in the first place, especially when it had most definitely not been a date. She didn't know what she was talking about, not with this. I bit into the toast that Carla had placed in front of me, wondering whether or not I really should bring it up to Dr. Cox. Maybe I'd wait and gauge his mood today.

When I arrived at the hospital, I found myself disappointed to learn that Dr. Cox was off today, though not entirely sure why. Sure, he was my mentor, but this meant a day without rants and girls' names! I should chalk it up as a win, but as the day went on, I realized I missed our banter, his sarcasm, and even the girls' names, though I'd never let him know that. 

I made my way to the nurses' station and rested my chin on the counter. 

“What's the matter, Bambi?” Carla asked, watching me from her seat.

I sighed dramatically. “Nothing.”

She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at me. “Real convincing.”

“I just miss Dr. Cox. He keeps things interesting around here,” I said simply.

“What, the two unsolved diagnoses and the Donkey Boy aren't interesting enough for you?”

I waved my hand dismissively at her. “I've already seen the Donkey Boy, Carla, he's old news. As for the two other patients, Elliot has already claimed them for her own. She's probably in the lounge reading every diagnostic manual ever written.”

I imagined Elliot transformed into an encyclopedia with arms, legs, and a head walking around the ICU spouting out medical terminology before Carla snapped her fingers at me.   
“Well, why don't you see if she needs help? You know how she is. She always wants to do things herself but a little help might do her some good.”

I suspected Carla wanted me to clear the air between Elliot and me after my tirade yesterday. I was sure Elliot was hurting over it and that was partially why she'd become obsessed with these cases. I supposed it couldn't hurt, trying to help, but I also wondered if she was trying to distract me from Dr. Cox's absence. I pushed the thought from my mind and headed toward the doctors' lounge.

Sure enough, Elliot was sitting at the table in the lounge, nose buried in a medical book. She looked flustered and her hair was falling out of her ponytail. “Need some help?” I asked.

Her eyes flicked up to me momentarily before going right back to the book. “I can handle this, JD.”

“I know you can,” I said honestly. Elliot was a capable doctor, but sometimes she was her own worst enemy. “I just thought two sets of eyes might make things go faster. And maybe one apology.” I sat down across from her and grabbed a book. She leaned back and crossed her arms, waiting. “Elliot, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. It was wrong and it was hurtful and you didn't deserve that.”

“You're right,” she said harshly, “I didn't. But you were honest and that's all I've ever wanted from you, JD.” We were silent for a moment before she cleared her throat. “Now what do you say we figure out these cases?” I smiled up at her before diving into my encyclopedia, searching for any signs of a correct diagnosis.

Half an hour later, neither of us had come any closer to diagnosing our patients except for eliminating some of the obvious stuff – you know, the bubonic plague, SARS, that stuff. “I wish Dr. Cox was here,” I said absentmindedly.

Elliot sneered. “Why, so he could harass us and demean us for not knowing how to diagnose our patients?”

I tutted at her. “You know he'd actually help us. I don't get why you hate him so much.”

“You know what I don't get? Why you like him so much. JD, all he ever does is torment you. You can't tell me you actually enjoy spending time with him.”

“As a matter of fact, I do. I've learned a lot from him, Elliot, even if his teaching methods are unconventional.”

“Calling you girls' names is 'unconventional'?” Elliot rolled her eyes and scoffed.

I found myself growing more irritated by the second. Elliot just didn't get Dr. Cox. “I'm gonna take a break,” I announced, leaving the lounge before Elliot could say a word.

I knew Dr. Cox wasn't the most popular person in this place – he was far from it – but why couldn't people look past his attitude and his ego to see what a great doctor he was? He'd saved more patients than Doug had killed, and that was saying something. I was no idiot – I owed a lot of my medical experience and knowledge to Dr. Cox. Just because he and Elliot weren't as close as he and I were shouldn't make her unable to see that he was objectively a good doctor. Maybe she was just bitter that he hadn't chosen her as his protege. 

My feet carried me to the cafeteria without me consciously realizing it, but I decided I was indeed hungry. I was in line when I heard Turk's familiar voice from the other side of the cafeteria. Apparently he hadn't noticed me walk in because he and Carla were deep in conversation. I paid for my lunch and walked over to them. Carla's back was to me and Turk's eyes widened when he saw me and started obnoxiously clearing his throat.

“I just don't know when JD started becoming so obsessed with Dr. Cox,” Carla was saying and I stopped in my tracks, brows furrowing and utterly ignoring Turk's desperate attempts to get Carla to shut up. “You'd think he was in love with him or something,” she added as an afterthought.

I instantly grew defensive. “Is that what you really think of me?” I said quietly and Carla spun around in alarm. 

“JD, I –” 

“I'm not in love with Dr. Cox,” I hissed, sitting down next to Turk who had decidedly kept quiet. “Just because he's my mentor and I enjoy being around with him, learning from him, doesn't mean I'm in love with him.”

“Bambi, I know that, Turk and I were just discussing –” 

Turk's hands flew up. “Don't drag me into this, woman! You were the one who brought it up. I simply offered my point of view, which was,” he said quickly, turning to me, “that your 'obsession' with Dr. Cox may verge on unhealthy.”

“I'm not obsessed with him, you guys!” I laughed nervously. “That's ridiculous. I don't hang out with him outside of work – except for last night, which was definitely a one time thing, I'm sure of it – and I certainly don't tell him half the stuff I tell you, Chocolate Bear.”

“Maybe not everything, Bambi, but I'm not even sure you realize half of what you tell Dr. Cox. Now, don't get all defensive on me!” she reproached, pointing a finger at me. “I'm just telling you like it is. We hear a lot at the nurses' station – more than you think we do. You tell Dr. Cox every little detail about your day and then he turns around and teases you for it. Remember when you told him that you ran out of mousse for your hair so you went to the 24 hour convenience store and bought a tin of shoe wax by mistake?”

“That never happened,” I said, my head held high. “But if it had, my hair would have shone like the sun...” 

“Oh shut up,” Carla laughed and we all went back to eating our lunches.

As I ate my food, I couldn't help but wonder if I really was obsessed with Dr. Cox. I mean, I missed him a lot today and liked it when he was around, but that didn't mean I was obsessed with him and it definitely didn't mean I was in love with him. I really hoped Carla had been joking about that. The alternative was just ridiculous.


	3. Waiting For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 has arrived! More JD existing inside his own head (which he does best) and of course, your daily dose of Dr. Cox (and a little reminiscing).
> 
> It occurs to me that I've forgotten to talk more at length about the chapter titles. I know I mentioned that this fic is based on a JDox playlist I made, but the songs are really significant to me and they're what kind of designed the chapters, or at least the feeling/vibe of them. 
> 
> The first chapter was titled "Still Haven't Found," of course based on the U2 song and signifies that JD is kind of traveling aimlessly, having thus far been unable to find the right person for him.
> 
> The second chapter was called "Blue Eyes," from the Cary Brothers song. This song represents infatuation and while the song itself is a lot more intense than JD's feelings had yet to become in that chapter, it seemed to fit well to me.
> 
> This chapter is called "Waiting For You," named after the Grizfolk song. This is one of my very favorite songs and initially I was going to do something different with this song, but opted for what this chapter became. I highly encourage listening to it, though, as it really encapsulates what I want JD's and Dr. Cox's feelings to come across as.
> 
> Anyhooters, please enjoy!

**JD's POV**

 

Before I left the hospital that night, I checked the schedules. Dr. Cox and I were both working tomorrow and I couldn't help the flutter of excitement that infiltrated my being. As I made my way home, I tried to pinpoint exactly why I cared so much what Carla had said. There was no reason to let it bother me, especially since Dr. Cox was my mentor. It was only natural that I looked up to him and cared what he thought. Even though I _knew_ that, I couldn't stop second-guessing myself. 

 

Breaking from my thoughts momentarily, I slid my key into the lock on my apartment door, pushing it open and realizing just how tired I was. The day had gone by so quickly, what with the extra running around I had to do because of Dr. Cox's absence. I was no stranger to working when Dr. Cox was off, but for some reason his absence had been more pronounced today than most others.

 

I sighed and moved to the couch, making sure the door shut behind me. I turned the TV on to a  _Sanford and Sun_ rerun, but it didn't hold my attention. I was grateful that Turk and Carla were working the night shift because it had been a while since I'd had some real time to myself to really think. Though there was nothing I'd like more than to lay my head down on my pillow and fall into a dreamless sleep, I knew it was hopeless. I turned the TV off, bored with it all. Despite sleep being nearly impossible, I decided to climb into bed. At the very least, I could pretend to sleep. That was better than sitting on the couch all night staring at the TV screen. 

 

Why was it so incomprehensible to Carla and Turk that I didn't have to have feelings for Dr. Cox? I just admired him, and who wouldn't? He was the best doctor at Sacred Heart and they both knew it so why was it this big deal for them? Nothing had changed in our relationship since I'd started as an intern.

 

Okay, so maybe that wasn't entirely true. Things had become a little different between us. Sure, he still saw me as the overly enthusiastic, naïve doctor roaming the halls, but he'd been more gentle with me lately. When we'd lost Elaine, he'd actually taken care to make sure I was okay. He'd even hugged me on my last day as an intern – granted, it was followed by what some might call an insult, but I could tell that Dr. Cox did really care about me in his own, unconventional way. Maybe the fact that he had begun to show that just the slightest bit more often had make Turk and Carla suspicious. Maybe it wasn't even anything I had done myself! The thought that I hadn't been making a display of emotions I wasn't even aware of put me at ease and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

** Dr. Cox's POV **

 

My day off had so far been uneventful. Wasn't like I had expected anyone in the first place, but the apartment was quiet. Jordan hadn't been over in quite some time and I had a feeling we might be done for good now, but then again, I wouldn't put anything past her. I did my best to busy myself which proved to be difficult after very little sleep. The scotch helped, though. I knew I was avoiding thoughts that were, in fact, better off  _being_ avoided, but that didn't stop my mind from flashing to Newbie's face every so often. When I zoned out during a commercial, when I ate lunch, when I poured my umpteenth glass of scotch, he was there. 

 

Newbie plagued my thoughts a lot more than I'd care to admit. He had done so for over a year, having started right about the time I realized I had become his unwilling mentor and that I might just give a shit about him. Still, he was the most annoying human being on the planet as far as I was concerned. Every time he tilted his head off to the left and stared into space, I found myself wondering what he was thinking and then backtracking, wondering why I cared in the first place. It was a cycle that I repeated seemingly endlessly every shift we worked together. It had never been my plan to be  _anything_ to him, but here I was, almost two years into his career at Sacred Heart, watching over him and guiding him in the right direction – albeit by unconventional means.

 

I couldn't help it that the kid was so girly. To be honest, it really didn't even bother me all that much. Sometimes it was downright endearing how much he cared about his patients and his friends. Never would I expect the same courtesy to be granted to me, but it was obvious he cared for me greatly. I didn't flatter myself by thinking it was anything I'd done. It just seemed to be in his nature, caring. It was a quality that actually seemed to be lacking at that damn hospital. Hell, even I knew I could be painfully indifferent with my patients. Sometimes it was easier that way, but Newbie was different. He cared with every fiber of his being, even to his own detriment. I kept an eye on him for that reason. I'd seen my fair share of doctors not too different from him. Their compassion had ruined them at one point or another and it would be pretty damn heartbreaking to see that happen to Newbie.

 

So that was why I begrudgingly stuck around. It wasn't for my benefit or for anyone else's but Newbie's. Compassion was too good a thing to waste around these parts and for some reason or another, he had already attached himself to me. Somewhere deep inside, I had known from the very beginning that I was gonna see this through. Newbie'd been too paralyzed with fear to even place a chest tube.

 

“ _Car accident. Crashed in the elevator on the way up,” Carla said robotically._

 

“ _We gotta relieve the pressure in his chest.” I looked at Newbie. “JD, do it,” I said firmly. The panic on his face was obvious. “Look at me. You can do this.”_

 

_I was pleased to see him nod. He could work well under pressure. At this moment, he was just like every other intern who walked into this dump – terrified._

 

“ _Chest tube tray,” he said, his voice cracking._

 

“ _Come on, baby, let's go. Chop, chop,” I said. There was no time for babying him. Newbie hesitated with the scalpel in his hand. “JD, cut him or lose him.”_

 

_And he made the incision. When faced with a life or death situation, he was never going to let a patient die. That's where our similarities began and ended._

 

“ _Okay, give me the tube.” A nurse handed it to him and he began to insert it. “I can't get it through the pleura.”_

 

“ _Well, don't be gentle. Get it in there.” I didn't need to remind him again that this was life or death._

 

_He worked at it a bit more before the tube was in place. “Okay. Connect it, please, Carla.”_

 

_Carla did so and blood began to throw through the tube. “Normal rhythm,” she said, checking the monitor._

 

_The triumphant smile on Newbie's face was impossible to miss. “No way,” he said as he huffed out a laugh._

 

“ _See? It's a piece of cake,” I said, even giving him a slight smile. “He's your patient.”_

 

_The panic returned. “You're leaving?”_

 

“ _That's your patient, doctor.” I_ almost _patted him on the back, but why? He placed a chest tube, something any nurse in the joint could do. Hell, even The Janitor could probably do it if he watched one or two of the procedures. But still, there was a hint of pride welling up inside me. I chose to ignore it and walked away, leaving Newbie to celebrate with Carla._

 

Christ, the last thing I needed was a trip down memory lane, but Newbie's first day was still crystal clear in my mind. I leaned back against the couch, my hands laced together behind my head, closing my eyes. Maybe I'd get enough of a respite from my thoughts to actually sleep for a few hours before my shift started the next morning.

 

 

**JD's POV**

 

“Come on, Priscilla,” Dr. Cox called from down the hall. “Judging by the looks of your just magnificently sculpted hair, you had enough beauty sleep last night, so let's get the lead out.”

 

First of all, I was flattered that he noticed the extra effort I'd put into my hair. I knew he was being sarcastic, but I looked damn good today. Second of all, I _had_ gotten a good amount of sleep last night, at least for a doctor. My epiphany had definitely helped in that regard. I shuddered to think whether or not I would have gotten any sleep had I not realized it was probably Dr. Cox's actions that made Carla suspicious rather than my own. I supposed I could be wrong, but that was my story and I was sticking to it.

 

“Good morning, Dr. Cox,” I said cheerfully. I could already tell that today was going to be a good day. The wonder duo of Cox and Dorian were back together and ready for action. Maybe I was being a little overzealous, but that didn't stop me from picturing the two of us in superhero outfits, capes billowing majestically in the wind.

 

“Just what is it, Newbie, that makes it a good morning? Is it Mr. Winston over there, dying of pancreatic cancer or – oh, could it be Ms. Schmidt who's coded twice in the past twenty four hours? Please, do tell.”

 

So Dr. Cox wasn't well-rested then. Unsure of whether or not I should actually answer, I cleared my throat. “Well, uh, neither.” His eyes flashed dangerously at me. “I'm just glad we're working together.”

 

“Oh, Christ, Newbie, would ya please grow a pair? I don't have time for the sentimental crap today.”

 

He sounded tired and against my better judgement, I felt bad for him. Whatever it was that had caused him to lash out more than usual today was beyond me, but it made me unhappy to see him like this. I knew I should be used to it by now, but I cared about him. No one could fault me for that.  Clearly, this was not the Dr. Cox who'd taken me to the diner.  Maybe that had been pity and I'd read more into than I should have.

 

“Dr. Cox, is something wrong?”

 

The bearded, tuxedo-wearing opera singer in my head sang out, “ _Mistake!_ ” as I was treated to Dr. Cox's crazy eyes. He brushed his nose before folding his arms across his chest. He stepped as close to me as possible and I automatically backed up, finding myself against the wall of the now-empty hallway. Dr. Cox was gonna murder me and there were no witnesses!

 

“Please tell me, Newbie, what is it about working in a hospital that you don't understand? In the ICU, there are, on any given day, approximately ten to twenty patients on their deathbeds. Forgive me if I'm just not as chipper about death as you are. You see, when I became a doctor –” his face was just inches from mine – “it was so I could hopefully have a hand in  _preventing_ those people from dying. Now, I can only begin to fathom why _you_ , of all people, became a doctor but seeing as you _are_ one, it would be, well, quite frankly, it would just be superb if you could get your nose out of _my_ business and do your damn job!”

 

I knew I should have been offended, should have been quaking with fear, but I found myself focusing on only one thing: Dr. Cox's lips, about three inches from mine. They were, for the moment, curled into a sneer, but I wondered what they'd look like soft and inviting.

 

And then it hit me. It wasn't as I had pretended last night and this morning. Carla had been right (as usual). I had feelings for Dr. Cox and now that he was so close to me, I couldn't deny them. Why I chose this very moment to have _another_ epiphany was beyond me because, by all rights, I should have punched him in the face for saying the things he did.

 

I swallowed hard and stammered out an apology before slipping around Dr. Cox and heading for the nearest on-call room. I was fucked.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have the next chapter of MBM! I really am sorry that it took so long to get up, but my life has been surprisingly hectic as of late between classes, work, and concerts. Not to mention the delightful writers' block I experienced with this chapter. I found it kind of easy to get through Dr. Cox's POV, but struggled with JD's, especially in the beginning of the chapter. Speaking of...
> 
> Normally I don't particularly like fics with shifting POVs, but this one just needed it. I can't imagine JDox as a one-sided relationship and I don't really see a fic like this benefiting from only one POV (unless it had been third person, but in that case, I don't see it capturing JD's or Dr. Cox's voices as well as first person). Anyway, let me know what you think about the POVs. I'll try not to do it too terribly much in coming chapters, just when it's necessary.
> 
> Stemming off that, please let me know if you feel like the characters aren't sounding like themselves. It's always my aim to keep them as in-character as possible, so feel free to talk to me about ways I can improve or just your thoughts in general.
> 
> ALSO, one final note, I do have a JDox one-shot series on here as well. Most of them are prompts from tumblr that have been requested, so check that out if you're interested. And please, don't hesitate to throw a prompt in the comments or in my ask box on tumblr (@pcrrycox) at any time! 'Til next!


	4. Right as Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all! 
> 
> First things first: this chapter is called "Right as Rain," named after the Adele song, which you should go listen to because ow, my heart. ("We won't be making up//I've cried my heart out//And now I've had enough of love")
> 
> Secondly, please enjoy!

**JD's POV**

I knew I wouldn't be safe in the on-call room for long. Someone was bound to come looking for me or at the very least, someone would come in and want to sleep. I just wanted silence, to be alone, something quite out of the ordinary for me. Normally I thrived around people, enjoyed their company and the continuous white noise of the hospital. But right now, I was a mess.

 

I had just realized that I had feelings for Dr. Cox. I was honestly surprised, which was stupid because I was the one in charge of my thoughts – though they tended to get out of control fairly regularly. I knew I cared for Dr. Cox, knew I owed a lot of my medical knowledge to him, but it hadn't occurred to me that I had feelings for him. Maybe I'd been in denial this whole time. After all, it was apparent that just about everyone else had already figured it out. Carla's comments rang in my ears. _“You'd think he was in love with him or something.”_ I didn't think I was quite _in love_ with _anyone_ at the moment, but judging by the stirrings in my stomach when I thought of Dr. Cox inches from my face were insistent. Still, Dr. Cox was my _mentor._ I saw no reason why things should change between us, especially when my feelings would never be reciprocated. Dr. Cox was my attending, my superior, and that was the way it would always be for as long as I worked at Sacred Heart. 

 

I took a deep breath and stood up from the bed, resolving to do my best to ignore my feelings. I was the one who would end up hurt if it went bad anyway, so it was an act of self-preservation. I'd find another beautiful woman who would actually agree to go on a date with me. Maybe I'd be lucky enough to find someone who wouldn't get freaked out by Rowdy. 

 

As I reached for the doorknob, the door swung open, smacking me right in the face. I cried out, clutching my nose and furiously blinking back the tears that automatically sprang into my eyes. “What the hell?” I shouted before I'd even bothered to look at the perpetrator.

 

“Let's go, Nancy, we don't have all day,” Dr. Cox said briskly, not even acknowledging my dancing around.

 

“My nose is bleeding!” I said exasperatedly, tilting my head forward and pinching my nose. 

 

Dr. Cox peered at me from the doorway. “Well, seeing as it doesn't appear to be a life-threatening injury, I'd say you're good to go.” With that, he strode down the hallway, leaving me alone in the on-call room, grumbling to myself.

 

The bleeding stopped after a few more minutes of tilting and pinching, but the pain wasn't going away. I wouldn't even be surprised if a black eye resulted. Maybe I could tell people I got into a fist fight with a grizzly bear. That'd be pretty believable, though if I stayed in here for much longer, a grizzly bear would be the least of my worries. After a quick detour to the bathroom to clean up, I headed back to the ICU where Dr. Cox was migrating from room to room, checking on patients and delegating tasks to nurses. 

 

I leaned against the nurses' station for a moment or two, just watching him before I shook myself out of it. There was no time for daydreaming, especially not about Dr. Cox. And  _definitely_ not ones that involved him tilting his head ever so slightly to the right...

 

A piercing whistle echoed across the ICU and my head snapped up. Note to self: sudden movements did nothing to help the nasal situation. 

 

“Now that you've decided to actually _do your job,_ ” Dr. Cox said bitterly, “it'd just be _ducky_ if you could get these down to the lab for me.” He slammed a pile of various samples into my arms and all I could do was swallow and nod. I turned on my heel and headed for the lab as quickly as I could.

 

The entire way down, I cursed myself for clamming up. Since when was I speechless around Dr. Cox? Sure, some of his rants were so long that I went off into my own head, but this was different. I hadn't been daydreaming, though I kind of wished I would have been. Maybe these  _feelings_ – I shuddered over the word – were going to make things more difficult than I'd anticipated.

* * *

 

** Dr. Cox POV **

“ What the hell is your problem?”

 

If I had a dollar for every time I'd heard that phrase, I'd have an endless supply of cash.

 

“And to what are you referring _this_ time?” I asked casually, leaning against the counter of the nurses' station.

 

Carla stood behind it, hands on her hips, looking furious. I loved when she got angry. It was vaguely amusing and, I couldn't deny, definitely attractive.

 

“What did you do to JD?” she huffed, eyes narrowing when the corner of my mouth turned up ever-so-slightly. 

 

“If you're talking about his nose, you should tell him to stop standing behind doors. Kind of a ridiculous habit if you ask me.”

 

“I am not talking about his nose, though remind me to kick your ass for that later. No, I'm talking about whatever it is that you said to him that's got him jumping three feet in the air when someone says his name.” Carla was genuinely pissed. Most of the time she was just exhausted with me, but this time was different. I wasn't aware that I'd said anything unusual to Newbie to be honest, but who knew what he'd read into what I _had_ said.

 

I raised my eyebrows at her and shrugged my shoulders. “I didn't say anything to the kid I haven't said a thousand times before.”

 

I could tell Carla wanted to say more on the subject, but I wasn't in the mood to get read the riot act. Besides, there were patients to cure. I was more than comfortable letting Carla and Gandhi deal with whatever Newbie was pissed about. 

 

Unfortunately, it became my problem much sooner than I'd expected. It wasn't out of the ordinary for Newbie's problems to get pushed onto me, but the rest of the day was obnoxiously long and monotonous because of it. The kid wouldn't look me in the eye and stayed about a foot away from me at all times when he was normally glued to my side. When I told him to go grab a chart or check on test results, he did so without comment, hurrying away as if glad to be rid of me. I was far from worried, because worry would imply caring, but I was a little confused. I found myself watching him scurry away with my eyebrows furrowed, trying to decipher what his problem was. 

 

Why was I wasting my energy? If the kid had decided to give me the silent treatment, well that was the best gift I'd ever receive. And this way, things were more efficient without him staring off into space, dreaming about god knows what. 

 

The day carried on in that fashion. It wasn't until a few hours before the end of our shifts that Newbie's behavior became problematic. Or I guess I should say, his  _lack_ of behavior. He was nowhere to be found. I'd checked every on-call room, the doctor's lounge, the supply closets, and I still couldn't find him. The fact that it was cutting into the time that I could be treating or diagnosing patients was particularly infuriating to me, though a tiny voice in the back of my head suggested that maybe I just missed his presence. I quickly destroyed that train of thought since it couldn't be further from the truth and continued my search.

 

“Dr. Cox, what are you doing?” came Barbie's voice. I had been sneaking over to the nurses' station to see if Newbie might be hiding under one of the counters, but there went any cover I might have had.

 

“Barbie!” I hissed. “Be very quiet. I'm hunting Newbies.”

 

Her eyes widened as she tried to decide just how crazy I really was. I left her to it, and thankfully it shut her up. As I found out moments later, Newbie was, in fact,  _not_ hiding under the nurses' station. There was one last place left to look – surgery. When something was wrong, it never failed that he'd go to Gandhi. Sure enough, I found him watching a surgery that Gandhi was assisting on. He didn't notice me for a few moments, standing outside the door. I watched him, noted his body language. He seemed subdued, a way in which I rarely saw him. His expression was blank, unreadable, but I could tell that his large, blue eyes weren't lit up the way they normally were. Oh screw it, if I'd gotten to the point where I was thinking about Newbie's  _eyes,_ it was time to get on with it.

* * *

 

** JD's POV **

I jumped violently as Dr. Cox threw open the door, grabbed me by the back of my scrubs, and hauled me into the nearest on-call room. Of course, I struggled, but Dr. Cox was much more powerful than I was, and he seemed to be on a mission. I was sure he was pissed that I'd been avoiding him all night, but I'd kind of hoped that I'd be able to duck out of the hospital when my shift was over without having to see him. It was a short-term fix for a long-term problem, because I'd just end up seeing him the next day and the day after. At one point, I had contemplated changing my name and moving to Puerto Rico.

 

The more I stayed away from Dr. Cox, the easier it was to convince myself that this was just a fleeting crush, that it would go away soon enough. But the more I stayed away from him, the more I thought about him, which got me nowhere on the I-Don't-Have-Feelings-For-My-Mentor front. 

 

“What is your problem?” he barked at me. So we were skipping the hellos, then. 

 

“I – nothing,” I stuttered, avoiding eye-contact at all costs.

 

“Newbie, for Christ's sake, would you look at me? I have been looking _everywhere_ for you for the past two hours. You've got labs to look over, patients to treat, and paperwork to do! What the hell are you doing standing around in surgery?”

 

Dr. Cox was angry, that much was obvious. I'd seen him angry before, but I didn't have the feeling of a fifty-pound weight on my chest then. I knew that if I looked at him, every feeling, every thought, was going to come rushing back and I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. And I  _knew_ Dr. Cox would never let me hear the end of it either. 

 

“ _Newbie!”_ he shouted though he was just a foot away from me. 

 

I'd had enough. “Will you stop  _yelling?_ ” I said quietly, frustration coloring my tone. 

 

His eyes widened at me as if he couldn't believe what I'd said. “You want me to stop  _yelling._ ” It was a statement uttered in a voice of deadly calm. I'd heard that voice plenty before and I knew it was the calm before the storm. “I have been doing  _your_ job all night, Sheila, so forgive me if I'm not feeling so generous at the moment.”

 

“I just needed a break, okay?” I huffed out, completely exhausted.

 

“You can have a break when you go home. You don't get breaks when you're dealing with life and death, Newbie. I'd have thought you'd know that by now.”

 

I could tell Dr. Cox was holding back. I knew he wanted to scream at me and call me a pathetic excuse for a doctor, but maybe I just looked too tired, too vulnerable. Maybe he felt bad about my nose. Whatever it was, I was grateful. I didn't think I could take it, not tonight.

 

Dr. Cox ran a hand over his face in frustration. “Newbie, would you... would you just tell me what's wrong? Carla said you've been jumpy all day, and I know it's not because I yelled at you because I do that everyday. So what is it? Don't tell me they cancelled  _Gilmore Girls._ ”

 

“It's nothing, Dr. Cox, really. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.” I pleaded with him in my head to please just let me go home and wallow in self-pity. I couldn't handle this interrogation much longer.

 

“You're a terrible liar, Clara. You're acting like someone who got stood up for prom so how's about you stop with the poor-pity-me act and just come out with it.” Dr. Cox probably wanted to go home just as much as I did, but for some reason, tonight was one of his rare, quasi-caring moments.

 

“I have feelings for you,” I blurted before I could stop myself. I instantly regretted it, though I hoped that I had been quiet enough that he hadn't heard me.

 

Judging by the look on his face, he hadn't been so lucky. I watched emotions fly across his face, though I couldn't pick them out. He settled on a sick smile. “Oh, Polly, this is just too good,” he said with a small chuckle. “Though I can't say I'm surprised you swing that way, and trust me, I am  _flattered,_ but –” his expression changed suddenly, darkening as he took a step closer to me, his voice dropping – “if you think that  _anything_ would ever happen between  _us_ you've got another thing coming. Now get the hell out of this room before I lose my damn mind.”

 

I didn't need to be told twice. I spun around and practically sprinted out of the building, forgetting my sweatshirt in my locker. I knew I'd made a massive mistake the moment I'd said it, but that didn't stop the overwhelming feeling of dread that took over my thoughts. I felt sick to my stomach as I drove home, mentally kicking myself for being so stupid. 

 

Stupid. Stupid to tell him, stupid to fall for him in the first place. Stupid to not have seen it coming. Especially stupid to entertain the idea of us, together, for even a moment. Stupid to think it wouldn't affect us working together. Stupid.

 

As soon as I got home, I walked straight for my bedroom and laid on my bed. I ignored Carla's worried voice outside my door, thankful I'd locked it behind me. I spent the entire night staring at my ceiling, terrified of what tomorrow would bring. All I knew was that I meant nothing to Dr. Cox and whatever respect he'd had for me (if any) was gone for good. As far as I was concerned, the only interactions we'd be having from now on would be strictly work-related. No personal details, nothing. I couldn't handle letting him in anymore. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. It honestly caused me pain to write this chapter, but in a sick and twisted sort of way.
> 
> As always, any and all comments/feedback is MUCH appreciated!


	5. Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh sweet Jesus, you all have my sincerest apologies. I don't even have a good excuse as to why it took so long for me to update this fic. I was busy all over winter break with work and I'm just now getting back into writing. I've written a few more JDox oneshots and a longer fic that I posted separately, all of which can be found on my AO3 page here.
> 
> I've appreciated all the comments you've all left begging me to update so I hope you enjoy this chapter!! Hopefully updates will come more regularly now! :)

**Dr. Cox's POV**

 

I didn't sleep that night, not when all I could think of was Newbie's admission of his _feelings_ for me. I didn't know what these feelings entailed – if it was just some fleeting crush or if he pictured himself in a white dress with a veil – but I wasn't sure I even wanted to. I regretted pressing him for details the moment he'd blurted it out. Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone and let him deal with his problems on his own like I always had?

Or had I? I mean, Christ, it wasn't like I hated the kid, and I've tried on more than one occasion to be the kind and caring mentor he so desperately wanted, but that wasn't me and it never would be. What did he even see in me anyway? I couldn't think of a single redeeming quality that would allow someone like Newbie to fall in love with someone like me.

Before I knew it, my alarm clock went off. I groaned and ran a hand down my face. Another day in that hospital and worse yet, I'd surely be working side-by-side with Newbie. I already knew that he'd be an absolute basket case and do one of two things: 1) follow me around like a lost puppy, apologizing every three seconds or 2) try and act like nothing had happened and fail miserably. So that meant this mess fell on my shoulders. I would determine how our working relationship would be from here on out. And to tell the truth, I had no goddamn _idea_ what I was going to do.

As I got out of bed and walked to the shower, I went over my options. I could, theoretically, make his life a living hell, threaten to tell everyone about his schoolgirl crush if he didn't do all my discharge summaries. As soon as the thought popped into my head, I knew I wouldn't do it. As much as I enjoyed messing with the kid, I couldn't be that cruel to him. I had only one other option, and that was to keep every conversation between us strictly professional, surface-level stuff. That I could handle, and were I in Newbie's shoes, I thought I might appreciate it. Who, in their right mind, would want to have a heart-to-heart with someone who didn't return their feelings?

 

As I walked into the hospital that morning, I had it all planned out. Barely glance at him, call him a girls' name, tell him to quit standing around and get to work, and that would be it. Things would be back to normal. Everything would fall back into place and no one would have to know about Newbie's ridiculous confession. What I didn't account for was seeing him leaning against the nurses' station, his chin on the counter, looking completely miserable. The realization hit me like a freight train when he looked at me with those goddamn doe eyes. This never was and never would be as simple as I had made it out to be in my head, not when I found myself staring back at him from across the ICU completely speechless.

 

* * *

 

**JD's POV**

 

I thought I was done for then, when I saw Dr. Cox staring at me from across the room. I had every intention of acting completely normal, but he was all I could think about. His words when I'd told him I had feelings for him, and his face. I thought for sure he'd been about to hit me, but I'd somehow lucked out on that front. But seeing him now, I wasn't sure how I was ever going to be able to handle this, working right alongside him with so many things unspoken between us. And he was looking at me with a strange expression, something I couldn't place.

I swallowed hard and straightened up, knowing he'd yell at me for being lazy. I had prepared a friendly, unassuming good morning greeting for him, but he brushed right past me, walking briskly down the hallway. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, considering following him, but I decided against it. I had never seen that expression on his face and it was unreadable. I couldn't help but feel as though I had completely ruined everything, especially any chance of being with him. The realization weighed heavy on my mind as I sighed and grabbed a chart, heading toward my first patient of the day.

I hadn't let Carla in last night and I knew she was worried about me. She knew something was wrong, and I was sure she'd told Turk as well. Eventually, she had stopped knocking, stopped calling my name through my bedroom door. For that I was grateful – this wasn't something I wanted to discuss, not when it was so impossible. There was no easy solution. I would just have to hope I'd get over Dr. Cox and be able to continue working by his side in the time being. The thought of it made me sick.

Carla had been overly gentle with me this morning, using a soft voice when she talked to me. I brushed off her attempts at figuring out what was bothering me, deflecting expertly and changing the subject when things got too real. Finally, she had gotten the hint and piped down, but she kept looking at me like I might burst into tears at any minute, which was almost worse than the prodding. But I managed to keep my mouth shut the whole morning, even when Turk asked if I wanted to talk about it. The thought of being able to tell my best friend about what I was feeling was alluring, but even Turk wouldn't understand. It was no secret that Dr. Cox wasn't his favorite person, and I didn't really blame him. He didn't work with him that closely, didn't see his caring moments, the way he gave his all to his patients, even if it was just behind closed doors. No one would understand what I saw in Dr. Cox so that meant I had to deal with this by myself.

Just as I arrived at my patient's bed, I saw Dr. Cox talking to Carla at the nurses' station, though I couldn't hear what he was saying. I tried not to stare too much, tried not to think about it. For all I knew, he was just talking to her about a patient, but he still had that strange expression on his face. It almost looked... pained. I was worried about him, worried this was about what I'd said to him. I saw Carla look at him in confusion, but she walked with him down the hall toward the on-call room. Maybe he'd actually open up to her, ask her for advice. If anyone understood Dr. Cox, it was Carla.

 

* * *

 

**Dr. Cox's POV**

 

I had dragged Carla into the on-call room, making sure it was empty before locking the door behind her. And here I was, pacing in front of her while she sat on the bed looking at me expectantly.

“So, were you planning on using your words today?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Just give me a second, would you?” I snapped at her, immediately feeling guilty. She had no way of knowing what was going on, because judging by her confusion, Newbie hadn't told her a thing. I took a deep breath as I paced, trying to think of the best way to start off. “Newbie told me he had feelings for me last night,” I finally said, figuring being straightforward was the best way to go about this.

I watched as the realization dawned on her face, her eyes widening and her lips parting slightly in surprise. “So that's why he's been moping around,” she said, looking pleased that she finally had her answer. She looked up at me, then, confusion coloring her face once again. “Well, what's the problem? I would have expected you to be calling him girls' names like always.”

I sighed, running a hand down my face in exhaustion. “I had it all planned out, Carla,” I said quietly, almost more to myself than to her. “Everything was gonna go back to normal today. I wasn't even planning on acknowledging it.”

“But it's not normal?” she guessed, watching me a little worriedly.

“No, it's not fucking normal,” I groaned, sitting down on the bed across from her. “I saw him standing at the counter looking miserable and I... oh, Jesus, I don't know, I _felt_ something.”

Carla's eyes widened comically. “You _felt_ something?” she repeated, staring at me in disbelief.

“That's what I said, isn't it?” I said in frustration, though it came out sounding more tired than anything. “I don't have _feelings_ for anyone, let alone _Newbie._ ”

“I think you need to reevaluate that statement,” Carla said gently, watching me carefully. “Perry, if you're feeling things and he's _definitely_ feelings things, maybe you should talk to him about it.”

I shook my head quickly. “No, Carla, no way,” I said firmly. “I don't even know _what_ I'm feeling. As far as I know, it could just be pity. Maybe I just feel bad for the kid.”

“You and I both know that's not true,” Carla said, looking at me seriously. “You need to come to terms with the fact that you're capable of having actual human emotions. So what if it's JD? You already know he likes you and cares about you. You ask me, it takes a pretty special person to put up with you,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips.

“This isn't funny,” I said in exasperation. “There's no way this would ever work out. I'd end up hurting him, we both know that. I'm not an easy person to get along with.”

Carla rolled her eyes. “Stop making decisions before you even talk to him. No one's impressed by your _nobility,_ ” she said, clearly unimpressed. “And you _are_ going to talk to him by the end of the day. I'll lock you in a room if I have to.”

This was not what I had in mind when I called her in here. “Fine,” I allowed. “But just back off for now, would you? I need to think.”

“End of the day,” she repeated, standing and moving toward the door. “Until then, play nice.”

I followed her out a few moments later and leaned against the wall, watching Newbie work. It was amazing how just seeing him had changed everything. It scared the shit out of me.

 


	6. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in a month? It must be a true miracle! Anyway, this chapter ended up pretty massive - about 3700 words - and I hope it's a sufficient reward for all of those who are following this fic :) Let me know your thoughts and stay tuned for another update soon!

**Dr. Cox's POV**

 

It was nothing short of a miracle that I made it out of that hospital without having to talk to Newbie. Carla had been busy when my shift ended and we'd been so busy all day that she hadn't been able to enforce her rule. No one was locked in a room, no feelings were confronted. It was obvious Newbie was nervous around me, jumping every time he heard my voice. But I had done what I told myself I would and ignored him apart from telling him to get to work. He looked both confused and grateful by my words – confused because he probably expected me to shout about his damn crush from the roof of the hospital and grateful because I was treating him like I normally did.

I remained as impassive as ever, never letting on that things had changed for me too. Apart from one moment, late in my shift, when our hands brushed while working with a patient, I managed to keep those thoughts at bay. But now that I was on my way home and didn't have the distraction of work in front of me, my thoughts were swimming with Newbie's face, with his _eyes._

Christ, I was losing it. That was the only answer I could come up with to explain these... _feelings._ Even though Carla's words still rang in my head, I couldn't help but to try and convince myself that I was just feeling sorry for the kid. After two beers and a few slices of pizza, it became clear that I was _not_ just feeling sorry for him. I couldn't get him out of my head and worse still, it explained my sleepless nights. As badly as I wanted to, I couldn't deny it – I had feelings for Newbie.

One thing that _hadn't_ changed despite all this was my resolve to continue on as normal. I would not act on my feelings, I couldn't. I didn't care if that made me stupid or a bad person for not telling Newbie I felt what he was feeling too. There was no way things would go well between us. As far as I could tell, my life was a one-way road heading straight for disaster. I wouldn't subject anyone to that, not after the way things ended with Jordan and me. I had loved her, there was no doubt about that, but when the scales had tipped from love to hate, I saw my life start on fire in front of me, and there was no way to put out the flames.

It wasn't that I didn't believe in love. I just knew I wasn't capable of giving myself to another person that way, at least not right now. I was a selfish person – anyone who knew me knew that. Sacrifice, compromise, those weren't my strong suits. And I knew that if I were to act on my feelings for Newbie, I couldn't give him what he needed. He deserved better.

* * *

 

**JD's POV**

 

What was I doing? That was one in a long list of questions to which I didn't have the answer. Most of them revolved around Dr. Cox at this point. He was all I could think about whenever I _allowed_ myself to think, which, thankfully, had been a rarity today. We'd been busy at work between new patients, a few codes (which had luckily resulted in the patients being stabilized), and paperwork. Apart from when I'd grabbed lunch (alone) and tried to shut my eyes for a few minutes in the on-call room, my mind hadn't been able to wander too far throughout the day.

My heart had jumped into my throat when our hands brushed while we were working on one of the coding patients, but somehow I had managed to keep my focus on the task at hand. It didn't stop me from thinking about it every single chance I got afterwards, though. Our hands had barely touched, for god's sake. I was being ridiculous, and I knew it, but Perry had been different today. He hadn't screamed at me, hadn't even brought up my confession. I was grateful for that, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't what I expected. And he kept looking at me, especially when he thought I wasn't looking back. His eyes would snap right back down to the chart he was holding, he'd touch his nose with his finger, cross his arms, take a deep breath. Anything to act normal. But none of it was normal. That much was obvious.

And here I was, back to the question at hand: _what the hell was I doing?_ Why was I standing outside Perry's door at, according to my watch, quarter after eleven at night? And why couldn't I do anything? I couldn't walk away, but I couldn't knock either. I was frozen and I hated myself for it. Why did I give him so much power over me? Why hadn't I realized what I was feeling sooner? Maybe I could have stopped it, talked myself out of it somehow. The logical part of me knew that wasn't really realistic, but I was desperate for _something_. I wanted everything all at once – I wanted to be free of the power Dr. Cox had over me, but I also wanted nothing more than for him to reciprocate my feelings. Even on my way over here, which hadn't taken nearly long enough to allow me to really think it through, I had debated turning around and spilling my guts to Turk or Carla and begging them for advice, but all I could think about was seeing Dr. Cox's face.

That was my deciding factor. I had to see him, had to know for sure, one way or another. _That_ was what made me raise my hand and knock on his door. Three firm knocks. I could still run, could still get away, but an overwhelming part of me knew I didn't really want that, not when the truth was so close. Even if it killed me, I needed to know how he felt.

Still, I was unprepared when Dr. Cox opened the door, his face betraying the surprise he felt only for a moment. I jumped back a step instinctively, but didn't run.

“Jennifer,” he said in annoyance. “What the hell are you doing here? Do you have any idea what time it is?”

For the first time that day, I didn't think before I acted. I stepped forward quickly, before he could slam the door on me, and kissed him. Hard. My fingers gripped the front of his tight t-shirt, keeping him close to me as my lips moved over his. After the initial shock of my action, he started to respond, kissing me back with equal force. I could scarcely believe it, but nothing was going to stop me kissing him, not now, not that I had my answer.

Dr. Cox took my face in his hands as he deepened the kiss, pulling me into the apartment and kicking the door shut behind me. Moments later, I was being pushed back against the closed door, and his lips never left mine. I gasped into his mouth at the impact, but I still didn't pull away except for momentary breaths. I didn't want to speak and ruin things. I was content to kiss Dr. Cox for the rest of my life if it meant I got to keep him forever.

Too soon, Dr. Cox's lips left mine and I thought for sure I was in for it, but he began to trail his kisses down over my jaw and to my neck. Breathing hard and my eyes heavily lidded, I let my head fall back against the door, not caring about the brief pain. I let my hands run over his chest, feeling the muscles that lay just beneath his shirt. I couldn't help but let out a sigh as he kissed and sucked lightly at my skin, and that seemed to encourage him.

He pulled me deeper into the living room, his arms wrapping around my waist and his lips barely leaving my neck. He pushed me against the back of the couch and ran a hand under and up my shirt, his fingers moving lightly over my skin, leaving electricity crackling in their wake. I sighed again, more loudly this time, as he all but held me up, my legs dangerously weak. And all we'd done was kiss! If this went any further – and I damn sure hoped it did – I wasn't sure I'd survive it.

After a few more minutes of this, of Dr. Cox kissing my neck and his hand moving over my chest and stomach, he suddenly started pulling me away from the couch. I stumbled slightly, but managed to keep my balance, letting him lead me anywhere he wanted to go. He moved back up to kiss me hard, one hand cradling my face and one arm around my waist, holding me close to him. He was backing us toward the one room in his apartment I most wanted to go – his bedroom.

We made it through the doorway blindly before Dr. Cox spun us around and started pushing me backwards to the bed. I stumbled again when the back of my legs hit the bed and I sat down on it, my eyes locked on his. The look on his face was incredible – his eyes were dark with want, an expression I had never seen on him before. It suited him well and I knew instantly that I was hooked.

“Lose the clothes,” he said roughly, his voice a harsh whisper. It was the first time he'd spoken, and definitely the first time I'd heard him like this. I knew this would be a night full of firsts.

I didn't hesitate in pulling my shirt over my head, though I knew I couldn't compare to his sculpted body. I kicked off my shoes and socks, never taking my eyes off him. He looked back at me hungrily and I found myself panting in anticipation as I unbuttoned my pants and slid them down to my ankles and kicked them off. I pulled myself further onto the bed and watched, enraptured, as he lifted his shirt over his head in one fluid motion. I couldn't help the audible gasp I sucked in when I saw his naked upper body. His chest was... well, shit, it was perfect and the sight of his abs would have done me in if I wasn't already so far gone.

“Jesus,” I breathed out, my eyes raking over his muscles.

He smirked down at me as he slipped off his sweatpants, leaving us both in our boxers. “Like the view?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as he slowly climbed onto the bed and crawled toward me.

I nodded vehemently, suddenly feeling like I was being stalked by a predator. My stomach jumped as Dr. Cox moved between my legs to hover over me, his lips just out of reach. My hips rolled up of their own accord in search of friction, and they found it as I ground against him.

He sucked in a sharp breath and caught my lips in a searing kiss, one hand on my chest, the other just to the left of my head. He lowered his hips onto mine and started grinding against me in earnest, as if I wasn't hard enough already.

“Are you gonna fuck me or not?” I murmured against his lips, surprised by my own daring. But I had had enough of waiting, enough of the teasing. I wanted – scratch that, I _needed_ the real deal.

Dr. Cox let out a noise somewhere between a growl and a groan as he pulled back to look at me. “Thought you'd never ask,” he muttered, reaching over to his bedside table and emerging some moments later with lube and a condom.

I watched him intently, breathing hard as he sat back and hooked his fingers around the waistband of my boxers.

“You're sure this is what you want?” he asked quietly, sounding more tender than I'd ever heard him though the wanting look in his eyes hadn't faded.

“God yes,” I huffed out, lifting my hips insistently. “ _Please._ ”

That seemed to do the trick and I saw his expression shift to pure need as he pulled my boxers off. “Just out of curiosity,” he said, sounding far too casual considering my cock was throbbing and I could see he was in a similar situation even through his boxers, “have you... done this before?”

I swallowed, looking down at him, desperate for some kind of contact. “Yes,” I answered, wanting to get this conversation over as quickly as humanly possible. “Just a few times. I've done lots of... other stuff though.” I didn't want him to think I was inexperienced with guys, because I definitely wasn't. The opportunity just hadn't presented itself very often.

Dr. Cox nodded. “Just need to know how gentle I need to be,” he said, the hint of a smirk on his face as he reached for the bottle of lube.

“I can handle it,” I said quickly, my eyes flickering between his face and his hands. “I don't like gentle.”

He raises his eyebrows, looking pleasantly surprised. “Well, Newbie,” he chuckles, “gotta say I'm damned please to hear that. I don't much care for gentle myself.”

I had to bite back a whimper at the implications of Dr. Cox's words, focusing instead on the way he was squeezing lube onto his fingers and leaning in toward me.

“How – how many times have you done this?” I asked before I could stop myself, suddenly nervous.

Dr. Cox didn't stop his movements as he glanced up at me. “Few one-night stands,” he said nonchalantly. “Nothing major, but enough to know what I'm doing.” I could tell he was trying to reassure me, and I was grateful for it. I hadn't done much with guys since I'd left school and the fact that this was my mentor was throwing me off a little. “Just relax,” he added, his voice practically purring as he looked up at me.

 

* * *

 

**Dr. Cox's POV**

 

I slowly and gently slid a finger into JD, pausing when he sucked in a breath. It didn't seem to be out of pain, just the unfamiliarity of the sensation. Nevertheless, I stayed right where I was, watching him expectantly.

“I'm good, I'm okay,” he said after a moment, panting as he looked back at me. His blue eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted. Gorgeous as hell.

I slid the rest of my finger in, curling it experimentally and watching him all the while for signs of discomfort. There seemed to be none now that he was growing used to the feeling, but he was so damn tight. I had a lot of work to do before I could even fuck him.

“Relax,” I said again. I could still feel him below me, only marginally less tense than before.

“'M trying,” he whined, but he was still hooked on every movement I made. If it was possible, he looked horny as all get out and absolutely terrified at the same time.

“JD,” I murmured, knowing the use of his real name would get his attention. Sure enough, his eyes snapped up to mine in shock. “Just watch me, watch my face.”

He nodded, keeping his eyes locked on mine even as I slowly slid in a second finger. He gasped, but seemed to be doing okay as I started working on stretching him.

“You're doing great, Newbie,” I breathed, never breaking our eye contact. I could feel him relaxing beneath me, his breath coming in short, shallow little gasps. Now to get him moaning. I curled my fingers as I stretched and was soon rewarded with a cry of pleasure.

“You just keep doing that,” he said insistently.

I smirked and obeyed for a short time before adding a third finger. He met me with a little more resistance, and I stopped quickly as his face screwed up in discomfort. After a few long moments, he nodded at me, signaling me to continue. I managed to slide my finger the rest of the way in and resumed stretching him and it wasn't long before he pushing back on my fingers and whimpering.

“Please, Dr. Cox,” he said, sounding desperate.

“Perry,” I quickly corrected him. “I want you to call me Perry right now.” I wasn't prepared for the way JD breathlessly moaning my name would affect me, the sound going straight to my cock.

“Perry,” he moaned, his eyes hooded as he looked at me, his own cock impossibly hard against his stomach. “Please, I'm ready, _please._ ”

Who was I to deny JD something that we both very clearly wanted? I slowly pulled my fingers out of him, my cock twitching at the whimper he let out at the loss. I watched him breathing heavily with anticipation as I reached for the condom and tore the wrapper open. I rolled the condom on, sighing at the brief contact with my hand, and lubed up as quickly as possible. I'd kept him waiting long enough already.

“Ready, Newbie?” I breathed as I positioned myself between his legs and hovered over him, watching him intently.

“Fuck me,” he whimpered, looking up at me, his eyes dark with want. He moved his arms over my shoulders and around my neck to pull me in for a deep, bruising kiss.

I guided myself into JD impossibly slowly, my body shaking with the restraint it took to not fuck him into the mattress. I needed this to be good for both of us, needed to keep him comfortable. JD gasped below me, his fingers digging into my back as he shut his eyes tightly.

“Just breathe, JD,” I urged him. “Relax, it'll get better.” I reached between us and wrapped my hand around his cock, stroking firmly as I slid into him. I wanted to override his pain with pleasure, get him begging for me again.

I felt him start to relax and he opened his eyes to look at me, his lips slightly parted as he panted. I kept stroking him and soon enough, I was buried inside him. I couldn't help but groan – he was so incredibly tight and warm around me. I didn't dare move, not yet, not until I knew he was good to go.

JD continued to relax beneath me the more I pumped his cock. I brushed my thumb over the head with every stroke and soon he started to let out small, breathy noises that made my cock throb inside him.

“I'm – fuck, I'm good,” JD choked out, moving his hands to my hips to encourage me.

I slowly pulled almost completely out of him before thrusting back in, keeping my movements measured. As much as I wanted to let go, I kept a slow, gentle pace as he got used to the feeling. I kept moving my hand over his cock, watching as his eyes slowly closed and he started to moan.

“Fuck, Perry,” he gasped, his back arching up so our chests were touching. “You feel incredible.”

“Feeling's mutual there, Newbie,” I muttered, leaning over him and resting my weight on my free arm. I ducked my head to kiss him hard as I started to quicken my pace, my control slipping. I matched the speed of my hand to my thrusts, twisting my wrist on each down-stroke. I had to get him to come first and I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. He was too tight, felt too good.

His mouth dropped open against mine and he moaned loudly, his hands grabbing desperately at my back. “I'm close,” he said breathlessly, his hips rocking up into my hand and meeting my thrusts. “So close.”

I rested my forehead against his, biting back a groan. “Come for me, JD,” I murmured, my own eyes shutting tightly as my thrusts became harder, more erratic.

JD let out a loud moan as he reached his peak, and a long, breathless string of curses fell from his mouth, his cock spasming in my hand as he came. His head fell back against the pillows as he gasped for air.

I wasn't far behind, lasting only a few moments longer before I groaned low in my chest and came hard buried deep inside him. I clutched the sheets in my freehand, my other hand still moving lightly over JD's cock, eliciting soft whimpers from him. Once I finished, I slumped against him for a second before rolling off to his side. He whimpered again as I pulled out of him, his eyes still closed. I turned my head to watch his chest rise and fall quickly before I tossed the condom in trashcan near my bed. I sat up and walked into the bathroom, my legs a little weak, and by the time I came back with a washcloth, JD's eyes were just starting to open, his breath evening out.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” I said quietly as I cleaned both of us off.

“That was amazing,” he said, looking up at me in awe.

“Glad you enjoyed yourself,” I said, a small smile on my lips as I watched him in this blissed-out state.

“We should do that again sometime,” he said tiredly.

“Sounds like you'd rather sleep,” I commented, raising my eyebrows as I laid back down next to him and threw the sheet over us.

“I get sleepy after sex,” he told me sheepishly as he turned on his side and curled into my side.

I tensed slightly before putting an arm around him. I wasn't much of a cuddler, and certainly not after sex, but I could definitely use some sleep myself.

“Go to sleep, Newbie,” I said softly, rubbing his arm lightly. Apparently, he didn't need to be told twice and he started drifting off, his head on my chest. I watched him for a while before I closed my own eyes and quickly fell asleep.

 

 


	7. One More Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well. It's been months. And months. I had all but abandoned this fic, but I've recently gotten back into writing and I decided I want to see this through, especially since I have it all planned out. I'm deeply sorry to the people who've been begging me to update for the last half-year or more, but I hope you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me. 
> 
> Without further ado, here is chapter 7! (Did I mention it's more smut?)

**Perry’s POV**

              I woke to the sound of snoring.  It had been a while since I had woken up with anyone beside me, but I didn’t feel the typical flash of irritation.  Instead, I opened my eyes and turned my head toward the source of the snores.  JD was lying beside me, flat on his stomach, with his head turned to the side.  His full, pink lips were slightly parted, moving just slightly every time he inhaled.  The sounds he was making were barely snores – less abrasive. 

              I carefully turned on my side to better observe him, though I should have figured he was a heavy sleeper.  His hair was sticking up in all directions, though a few pieces were caught between his forehead and the pillow.  I wondered absently what he would look like without all the product he put in his hair.  I had a feeling it wouldn’t matter much to me how he did his hair as long as he was looking up at me like he had last night.

              _Last night._ I had wondered if I’d regret it come morning, but in the moment, I’d been powerless to continue resisting what I knew I wanted so badly.  It wasn’t like the kid hadn’t been begging for it, too, the way he’d been clinging to me like I was the only thing keeping him on the ground.  And the way he’d moaned my name… Christ, I was getting hard just thinking about it. 

              I shook my head and took a deep breath.  I needed to think logically, not get carried away again by my own thoughts.  Could things between us really work out?  I was nothing short of a train wreck and I wasn’t sure I wanted to drag JD into that.  He was so young, and most definitely innocent, even if less so since last night.  He deserved someone far better than me, but my own selfish tendencies kept me from readily admitting that to myself _and_ to him.  I wanted him.  I wanted him under me, writhing in pleasure and moaning my name, and I wanted him whenever I saw fit.  As long as he was willing, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to stay away.

              As if on cue, he began to stir next to me.  At first, it was just the snoring that stopped, but he gradually started to wake up.  I quickly moved, now lying on my back with my arms folded behind my head.  He didn’t need to know that I’d been watching him sleep.  He’d think I’d gone soft in the head.  I glanced over at him and saw that he’d opened his eyes and was looking back up at me, clearly unsure of what to do or if he was in trouble.  I knew if I didn’t say something soon, he’d start talking nervously, unleashing an unending stream of babble.

              “Sleep well?” I asked gruffly.  Didn’t want to seem like I cared _too_ much, after all.

              He nodded.  “Yeah.”

              I glanced at him again, arching an eyebrow.  “You’re awful quiet,” I commented.

              “Well, it’s just that…” He looked pointedly at something further down on the bed, and I was confused until I followed his gaze.

              “Oh,” I said, surprisingly casual, as if I wasn’t tenting the sheets.

              “Yeah,” he repeated, swallowing.  “I – I could help.”

              The corner of my mouth quirked up.  That’s why he was so nervous.  Not because I was turned on, but because he wasn’t sure I’d allow him to touch me again.  “You’re gonna have to do more than stare at it, kid,” I told him, gesturing for him to go on.

              JD swallowed again, sliding his hand under the sheet and wrapping it around my cock.  “Were you thinking about me?” he asked quietly.

              I closed my eyes and let out a breath before I answered him.  “I think you know the answer to that question,” I told him.  “Though if you ask me, your mouth might be better off doing something other than talking.”

              I was both surprised and not to see JD smirking when I opened my eyes.  He slowly pushed back the sheet, revealing our still-naked bodies.  I could see how hard he was, but I was in the mood to be selfish, to take something I’d imagined more than just a handful of times.  “Go on,” I urged, my hips rolling up into his hand.

              He took the hint and repositioned himself so he was leaning over me, his hand still on my cock.  He ran his tongue up and down the length, eliciting a groan from me.  “Tease,” I muttered, watching him intently.  “You should know I don’t like to be teased.”

              “I’m not surprised,” he replied, suddenly much more confident.  I could tell this was a power trip for him, having me right where he wanted.  But I also knew that he wouldn’t keep me waiting very long for fear I wouldn’t return the favor.  He continued licking me, never quite taking me fully into his mouth.

              “Damn it, JD,” I said breathlessly, unable to take any more.  I sat up slightly, ready to demand he get on with it.

              He actually _winked_ at me before diving back down, taking my cock into his mouth as deep as he could manage, which, as it turned out, was impressively far.  I let out a low groan and fell back against the pillows.  “That’s it,” I said appreciatively, threading one of my hands into his thick hair.  “Always knew you’d love sucking cock.”

              He moaned around me and I could tell my words served only to spur him on.  He worked quickly, stroking me with one hand while his tongue moved over and around me with incredible dexterity.  It was obvious this wasn’t the first time he’d done _this._

              I opened my eyes to look down at him and was surprised to find him staring right back at me, his blue eyes piercing.  The dichotomy between what his mouth was doing and the innocent look in his eyes was beyond words and I throbbed in his mouth.  I had never been overly vocal in the bedroom, but I couldn’t keep from moaning at the way he was working me over.  Needless to say, I was impressed.

              “Fuck,” I choked out, my hips rocking up, though his free arm was draped over my waist so I didn’t move too much.  “Gonna make me come.”

              The way his eyes lit up at that simple statement was nothing short of gorgeous.  He started moving even faster, though his technique didn’t falter in the least.  It wasn’t long before I was coming, my hand in his hair tightening as I rode it out.  I was even more impressed to find that he’d swallowed every last bit and still had me in his mouth even after I’d finished.  I might have to keep him around just for the head. 

 

**JD’s POV**

              I had just barely pulled off Perry when I found myself being flipped over onto my back.  I let out a surprised squeak when my back hit the bed.  I bounced back slightly from the force with which Perry had moved me, but he quickly caught my lips with his.  I gasped into his mouth, more than a little overwhelmed, though I definitely wasn’t going to complain.  I never thought I’d get a chance to see Perry fall apart like that, but he had definitely _loved_ my mouth around him. 

              Perry was much more forceful than I had been with him, and I thrived under the rough treatment.  He bit down on my lower lip and pulled slightly until I let out a whimper, my eyes locked on his.  God, he was gorgeous.  He was still panting and sweating slightly and I couldn’t hide my satisfaction that all that was because of _me.  I_ had done that to him and I wasn’t going to let him forget it.

              But Perry had other plans, and soon my only thoughts were of what he was doing to me in the moment.  He started kissing down my chest, sucking hard every time his lips connected with my skin.  I wondered if there would be marks when he was through.  My back arched up against him, my cock impossibly hard.  Finally, _finally,_ he reached it and wasted no time in teasing me like I had with him.  He took me into his mouth – _all the way._

              I moaned loudly, my back arching again at the sensation.  I was certainly experienced, which I figured he knew, but I hadn’t been prepared for how good he’d be.  It was silly considering that he’d blown my mind last night.  He swallowed around me and hummed.  The vibrations alone were enough to drive me crazy and I could tell just by looking at him that he knew just exactly how good he was.  I was putty in his hands and I settled for just relaxing into the bed.  I focused only on how he was making me feel, which was pretty damn good.

              It was an embarrassingly short time before I started panting and even more embarrassing how quickly he pushed me to the edge.  “I’m gonna come,” I whimpered.  “Oh god, I’m gonna come.”  That seemed to only make him work that much harder and it was mere moments before I was coming, just as hard as I had last night.  I registered somewhere in the back of my mind that my sex life had gotten infinitely better in less than 24 hours.

              “So good,” I mumbled when Perry pulled off me, wiping his mouth off on the back of his hand.  “You’re so good.”

              “I know,” he replied, a little breathless.  “You looked damn good from down there, Newbie.”

              “You think so?” I asked, forcing my eyes open so I could look at him.  “Most guys like me on my knees.  That’s how I got so good.”

              Perry chuckled, which put me even more at ease.  “Yeah, I’m not surprised by that,” he commented, moving to sit up next to me.

 

**Perry’s POV**

I took JD’s chin in my hand and tilted his head up to kiss him deeply.  He melted easily into me, which I suspected was an after-effect of his orgasm.  He _had_ said last night that he got tired after sex.  I kissed him thoroughly.  No matter how many times I had tried to convince myself throughout the course of the last couple days that this was temporary, I found myself wondering if this might really work.  Fuck if I knew _how,_ but I couldn’t deny I was hooked on the kid.  Something about those eyes and those lips and… well, all of him, really.  I didn’t know what the future held, but for now, I was going to spend my time on making him feel as good as possible.

              I couldn’t give him much, but I could give him that.


	8. Dust to Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another new chapter! Let me know your thoughts!

**Perry’s POV**

Between eating a late lunch and showering together, JD and I had spent the rest of the day rolling around in bed.  He had turned out to be just as responsive as I’d imagined he’d be, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every single minute of it.  I _especially_ enjoyed it when he decided to take charge and rode me.  He certainly knew how to use his hips…

              We were back in bed again, freshly showered, both of us in only our underwear.  JD was sprawled out across the bed, his head on my chest while I ran my fingers through his hair, my own eyes closed. 

              “I don’t want to leave,” he murmured, moving an arm around my waist and hugging me.  “Can’t we just stay in bed forever?”

              I paused in my movements; I knew he was getting too attached too quickly, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop.  “I know,” I finally replied as I resumed stroking his damp hair.  “But you have to work, Newbie.  The hospital comes first.”

              JD nodded, still seeming completely relaxed when I had started to tense up.  Sex was one thing, especially when it was incredible sex, but I wasn’t quite ready to talk about my feelings with him.  “I just like being with you,” he said softly.  “I always have.”

              I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.  I didn’t reply.  JD didn’t seem to notice.

              “You make me feel safe,” he continued.  “You know, now that you’re not in my face and yelling all the time.  I never cared for that part of it, but it was all worth it.  I guess what I’m saying is that I want to be with you for a long time.”

              Oh, Christ.  I sat up suddenly, pushing JD off me.  “I think you should leave,” I said flatly, standing and pulling on my clothes.  I chanced a look over at him and he was sitting pathetically on the bed, his eyes wide.

              “You want me to – to go?” he asked, blinking confusedly at me. 

              My jaw tightened at how vulnerable he looked.  I hated that I was hurting him, but it quickly became clear that that was the only way I would be able to get rid of him now.  “Did I stutter?” I asked, my voice without emotion.

              He looked devastated.  “But I thought we were having fun,” he said slowly.  “Was it because of what I said?  I – I didn’t mean it.”

              “You and I both know you _meant_ it,” I said, crossing my arms.  “You want the – the picket fence and the perfect relationship.  Well, newsflash, Jenny, I’m not that guy.  You’ll never get what you want here and we’ll both end up miserable.  So the only option is for you to leave and never come back.”

              “Perry,” JD said desperately, his eyes starting to well up.  “Please, we can just keep doing what we were doing today.  Just – just sex.  I would be okay with that.  I didn’t mean to mess everything up!”

              My thoughts flashed to my failed relationship with Jordan.  That one had lasted a hell of a lot longer than whatever _this_ was, but it had also ended with much more hatred and passion.  There had been yelling, throwing things, even some biting.  But all of that, everything I’d had with her, had inevitably ended because it was who I was.  I wasn’t the kind of person made for relationships.  I was better off alone.  Unfortunately for both of us, Newbie was caught up in my mess now.  I should have known he’d get too attached.  I probably _did_ know from the start, but I’d been too selfish to stop myself.  The look on his face made me sick, but I pushed my feelings aside.  To get him to really accept that this wasn’t going anywhere, I had to hurt him.

              “Don’t you get it, Newbie?” I said, mustering up all the anger I could.  “I’m damaged goods!”

              “But I don’t care!” JD insisted, getting off the bed and quickly pulling his clothes on with shaking hands.  “I never cared about that and you know it!”

              “That’s your problem,” I said dismissively, looking away from him.  If he started to cry…

              “I love you!” he suddenly shouted, walking right up to me.  “Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

              I swallowed hard and turned back toward him, meeting his watery eyes.  “No,” I said flatly.  “It doesn’t.”  It was better to end things now than when he was _really_ attached.  I had to hurt him deep, make sure he’d never come back.  “I don’t love you.”

              I wasn’t prepared for the way he looked at me just then.  He didn’t make an attempt to stop the tears rolling down his cheeks, but all I could see in his expression was hurt.  He had trusted me so implicitly, without any thought to doing anything to the contrary, and I had ruined him.  I instantly wanted to take it all back the moment after I said it, but it was for the best.  “Just leave,” I said quietly.  I was tired.  “Save us both the trouble and leave.”

              He turned away then, still crying silently.  I heard him putting on his shoes and moments later, my front door slammed.  I winced at the sound before I sank down onto the edge of my bed.  It had happened so quickly, but the moment things got real, I’d gotten uncomfortable.  That was my problem with every relationship I’d ever been in.  All I could see when I looked at the future was me being miserable and the other person getting hurt.  I hoped that one day JD would see past what I’d done to him and realize it was for his own good.  I was saving him the heartbreak later, and besides, he didn’t _really_ love me, did he?

              It was true, he had always seemed a little too attached to me, even at work.  I would berate him and within minutes, sometimes seconds, he’d come running back, desperate for approval.  At first, it had seemed he was searching for some sort of father figure, but it had turned into more than that.  I never had any interest in being his father or his mentor, but god, did I want him wrapped around me again.  I never should have let him in.

              I laid back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling once again.  All I could see were those sad, blue eyes swimming before me.  I knew they would plague me all night and for many nights after that.  It was something I had to live with.

 

**JD’s POV**

              As soon as I walked into the apartment, I ran into Carla, who was walking from the kitchen to the living room.  She took one look at my tear-stained face and opened up her arms.  I walked into her and held her tightly as I cried even harder.

              “It was him, wasn’t it?” she asked quietly as she rubbed my back.

              I nodded, sniffling pathetically.

              “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, her voice gentle.

              I shook my head, not sure I could even find the words to tell her how blissfully happy I had been and how devastated I felt now.  One moment, I’d had everything I had ever wanted, and the next, I was alone once again.  Well, never again, I promised myself as I hugged Carla.  Never again would I let Perry Cox into my life or into my head.  He’d made sure of that.

              Some time later, after Carla had gotten me to the couch, I calmed down.  She brought me a cup of tea, something she said her mother used to do when she was upset, and I held it, but didn’t drink it.  I felt numb, totally empty.  I could see Carla out of the corner of my eye – she kept glancing at me nervously, like I was going to explode any minute.  After a while, I stood, setting the tea down on the table behind the couch.

              “I’m going to bed,” I announced.  “I’ll call in sick.”

              Carla nodded, looking at me with pity.  “All right.  I’ll cover for you if Kelso says anything.  You want me to tell Turk?”

              I hesitated for a second.  “I guess, if you want.  Just make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid if he sees… _him_.”

              “You got it, Bambi,” Carla promised.  “You need anything else before I leave?”

              “No thanks, Carla,” I assured her.  “But I really appreciate –”

              She waved a hand, cutting me off.  “Don’t mention it,” she said warmly.  “I’ve got your back, no matter what.  Nobody hurts you and gets away with it.”

              I couldn’t quite manage a smile, but I nodded.  “Thanks,” I said again.  “Goodnight, Carla.”  I turned and headed to my room where I collapsed down onto my bed and buried my face in my pillow.

              How had I messed things up so royally with just a few words?  Whatever I had done, I wished with all my heart I could take it back if I could just have a few more minutes with Perry.  I had been so happy and he seemed to be, too.  He’d barely even called me any girls’ names the whole time.  I missed his arms around me already.  I wondered if I would ever be able to work alongside him again without thinking of the night we’d spent together. 

              Somehow, I doubted it.


	9. Every Breaking Wave

**Perry’s POV**

I wasn’t all that surprised when I heard a knock at my door an hour and a half after JD left.  I didn’t know who it was, but there were several possibilities.  Either it was JD, back to beg me to reconsider, or he had sent Carla or Gandhi to set me straight, maybe rough me up a little.  I wasn’t very worried about any of the possibilities; I had what was coming to me.  I even welcomed the idea that Gandhi might barge in and sock me in the face.  I damn well deserved it.

              “It’s open,” I called, not budging from my spot on the couch, a glass of scotch in one hand and the remote in the other.  I wasn’t even sure what was on the TV at the moment – I’d spent the last hour sitting here staring at the wall next to it.  All I saw were JD’s eyes.  Served me right, I supposed.

              “You sick son of a bitch,” Carla spat, throwing the door open and striding over to me.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

              I lifted my glass to her and took a long drink.  “Your guess is as good as mine,” I muttered.

              My answer served only to incense her, and I swore I saw fire flash in her eyes.  “What did you do to him?” she asked loudly. 

              “I did what had to be done,” I said flatly.  “What, did he tell you to come here and beg me to take him back?  Because that’s not gonna happen.”

              “No, he didn’t send me over here,” Carla said, narrowing her eyes at me.  “He’s too busy crying his eyes out in his room.  He’s not even going to work.”

              I shrugged.  “I can’t help it if he takes it badly,” I said, trying to convince myself the information didn’t bother me.  “He’ll have to get back on the horse eventually; Kelso’s not gonna like him calling in.”

              “That’s your big concern?” Carla asked incredulously, throwing her arms up.  “You’re not worried that you broke his heart?”

              “It’s not my fault he got too attached,” I said numbly.

              I wasn’t even all that surprised when Carla’s hand connected with my face.

              “You disgust me,” she said in a low voice.  “You stay away from him, you hear me?  If I find out you’ve been messing with him after all this, it’ll be much, _much_ worse for you.”

              “Message received,” I muttered, staring at the wall once again.  My cheek stung a little.  I deserved so much more than that.

              Carla stared at me for a few more seconds before turning on her heel and storming out of the apartment.  For the second time that day, my front door slammed and I was left alone.  It was for the best.  Luckily for me, Carla’s attempt at setting me straight only made me more set on what I had to do next.  I had already had the idea in my head, but knowing that JD was devastated only made me more secure in my decision.  I had to tell him, though.  I owed him that much.

 

**JD’s POV**

I woke the next morning to the feeling of a large, warm hand on my shoulder.  For just a split second, I dared to hope it was Perry’s, though I knew it wouldn’t be.  I missed him so much even though we hadn’t spent more than 24 hours together.  I had been happier than I ever thought possible and he’d made me insanely happy.  He’d ended everything so quickly, without so much as a warning, that I was still reeling from the blow.

              I grunted and turned my head away from Turk, who was gently trying to shake me awake.  “JD,” he said quietly, knowing I was no longer asleep.  “Come on, man, you gotta get up and eat something.”

              “Go away,” I mumbled, my voice muffled by my pillow.

              “Not a chance,” Turk replied, rubbing my back.  “Get up.”

              I sighed and sat up with some effort.  I blinked a few times, able to feel how puffy my eyes were from crying for most of the night.  I must have looked pretty pathetic judging by Turk’s worried expression.  “Look, dude, I know this sucks, but you had to know he was gonna hurt you.”

              I blinked again, meeting Turk’s eyes.  “Are you seriously saying _I told you so_ right now?” I asked slowly.

              “No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Turk said quickly, trying to backtrack.  “I just mean… shit, I don’t know what I mean.  I just hate seeing you like this.”

              “I know,” I said tiredly, rubbing my eyes.  “But you weren’t there… you didn’t see the way we were together.  He was so much different.  Until he wasn’t.”

              Turk patted my shoulder and gave me a sad smile.  “You need to shower and eat breakfast,” he told me.  “We can go to work together.”

              I frowned.  “Do I have to?”

              “Yeah, man,” Turk said regretfully.  “You have to.  Life goes on.”

              I sighed again, but I forced myself to get out of bed despite wanting to crawl back under the covers and stay there forever.  I had no idea how I was going to focus on my patients today, but I had to at least try.  And if I had to take a couple extra breaks and cry in a supply closet, I guessed it was okay as long as I was trying.

              “You know you can talk to me about it,” Turk said after a few moments.  “If you want.”

              “I know,” I said quietly, not quite meeting his eyes.  “Thanks, man, really, but if I talk about it, I’m just gonna cry, so… raincheck?”

              “Whatever you need,” Turk said genuinely.  “I’m here for you.”

              “Thanks,” I said, heading toward the bathroom off my bedroom.  I was determined to make myself look somewhat presentable.  Hopefully everyone would just think I hadn’t gotten enough sleep when they saw the bags under my eyes.  I didn’t anticipate anyone asking questions either way.  No one seemed to take much interest in my problems. 

* * *

 

              Hours later, I was walking down the hall, keeping my head down and my eyes on the floor.  I had been doing it all day and so far, I had successfully avoided any and all interaction with Perry.  I knew he was there; I had memorized his schedule.  I hated myself a little for that, and even more for not being able to get the hours he was working out of my head.  I hadn’t even bothered to try convincing myself that I didn’t care about him.  If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be so devastated.  If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be _hiding_ from him. 

              Like right now.  I ducked into the on-call room when I heard his voice just around the corner.  I had a suspicion he had seen me, but I curled up on one of the bunks and hoped he didn’t come in.  I wasn’t sure why I thought he might, considering he wanted nothing to do with me, but I had my eyes shut tight and my face buried in the pillow, practically cowering in fear.  I felt ridiculous, but if Perry had hurt me that badly and not batted an eye, I wasn’t going to put it past him to continue torturing me.

              When I heard the door to the on-call room open, I knew my worst fear was coming true.  I kept my eyes closed for a little longer, hoping he’d just go away, but after a few long moments, he cleared his throat.  I took a deep breath and sat up, though I didn’t dare look him in the eye.  I didn’t trust myself not to run right back into his arms.

              “JD,” he said in a quiet, subdued voice, and I could tell he expected the use of my real name to make me feel better.  Instead, my stomach sank – there was something off about his tone.  “There’s something you should know.”

              I stayed silent, staring at the floor with my elbows resting on my knees.  If he had something to say, I wished he would just say it and get this over with.

              “Right,” he said slowly, clearly having been expecting me to respond.  “I just came from Kelso’s office.  I’m cashing in my vacation days and I’m leaving.  This is my last day.”

              I couldn’t help but suck in a sharp breath.  As much as I hated him right now, I still loved him more than anything.  Even though seeing him made me feel sick to my stomach, I couldn’t imagine the hospital without him; he was such an integral part of the place.

              “You’re leaving?” I asked in a small voice, finally looking up at him. 

              He was looking right back at me, but there was no trace of emotion on his face.  “It’s time for me to move on,” he said dryly.  That meant it was time for _me_ to move on.  _I_ was the reason he was leaving.  The knowledge made me feel even sicker.

              “Please don’t go,” I whispered from my spot on the bed.  It was so quiet I wasn’t even sure he’d actually heard me.

              Finally, he closed his eyes, just for a few seconds.  “Get back to work, JD,” he said tiredly.  Without another word, he turned away and walked out of the on-call room, leaving me alone again.

              I wished in vain for the world to stop spinning for just a second, just long enough for me to catch my breath and feel like I had some form of control over my life.  The last few days had been a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from sheer bliss to utter despair.  I wanted to feel _nothing._ I wanted everything to stop, or better yet, to rewind, to go back to when Perry had taken me out to eat.  I wouldn’t have gone.  I would have gone home, felt crappy for a while, and then I would have gotten over the problems I had with my friends.  I never would have realized that I had feelings for Perry and I wouldn’t have fallen for him.  And he wouldn’t be leaving.

              But it was like Turk had said: life goes on.  I pulled myself up off the bunk and walked out into the hallway, desperate to just get through the rest of the day.  I had a feeling it would be one of the hardest things I would ever do, and with everything that had happened to me lately, that was saying something.


	10. Volcano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in updating, but I finally just now got a day off!   
> This chapter is titled "Volcano," after the Damien Rice song. These lyrics inspired it:   
> "And What I am to you is not real  
> What I am to you, you do not need  
> What I am to you is not what you mean to me  
> You give me miles and miles of mountains  
> And I'll ask for the sea"
> 
> Anyway, please let me know your thoughts on this chapter! As always, thank you for reading! :)

**JD’s POV**

It was Perry’s _last day_ at Sacred Heart.  That fact was the only thing I could focus on as I drifted through my endless shift.  My responses to patients’ questions were robotic at best and their frowns and looks of surprise at the sudden change in my demeanor only made me feel worse.  Still, they were barely holding my attention; any time there was a lapse in conversation or I had time to myself, my thoughts went straight back to Perry.  It felt so surreal now, but I knew it would get much worse once it actually sank in and he wasn’t standing in the middle of the ICU tomorrow, ranting about one thing or another.

              By the time the end of Perry’s shift rolled around, I felt like there was a weight steadily pressing down on my chest.  It turned out there were very few people who knew he was even leaving.  I could tell Carla knew, but I could also tell where she stood on the matter when she walked up to me and hugged me tightly.  I just stood there, trying not to glance at Perry, who was across the ICU, side-eyeing the two of us.  I forced myself to stay numb, because the alternative meant I would break down in Carla’s arms.

              Carla walked away after giving me a smile that clearly said she pitied me, and I watched as Perry strode over to the nurses’ station and placed his chart on the counter.  He said something to Laverne, who nodded.  I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.  Perry took one last look around the ICU, his eyes lingering on my face, before he turned and walked out the door.

              I felt stuck, standing off to the side as nurses and other doctors walked past me.  Didn’t they realize that the most important person in this hospital was leaving and never coming back?  Didn’t they realize my world was imploding?  I could barely believe the injustice of it all, but then again, it had been made abundantly clear to me earlier that week that everyone had their own problems and that they were much more significant than my own.

              Suddenly, I wasn’t stuck anymore, and I ignored Carla as I walked quickly toward the exit.  She was calling after me, warning me _not_ to do what I was about to, but I didn’t care.  I knew that if I didn’t try and catch him, I would never forgive myself for it.  As I raced through the hospital and out onto the ramp, I was horrified at the thought that I might have missed him.  I looked frantically around the parking lot, my heart racing, and finally spotted him, almost to his car.

              “Perry!” I shouted, sprinting after him.  I didn’t care that my eyes were still puffy and that I was breathless and shaking.  I _had_ to make him understand, or at least get him to admit that he had feelings for me.

              He stopped when he reached his car, but he didn’t get in.  I saw a tiny glimmer of hope and held onto it as tightly as I could.  “Please, don’t do this,” I said desperately, still breathing hard.

              “This isn’t a negotiation,” Perry said, crossing his arms.

              “Why are you running away?” I asked, brushing my hair out of my eyes.  “I know you’re scared, but it doesn’t mean you have to leave.”

              He laughed at me, and I could detect his bitterness.  I braced myself for the last rant I’d probably ever hear from him.  “Lookit, if you think I’m doing this because I’m _scared,_ you’re a lot more self-centered than I thought,” he said flatly.  “You and I were never going to work.  We mean different things to each other.  You have _feelings_ and are – and always have been – incapable of _not_ talking about those feelings.  I, on the other hand, feel _nothing_ for you.  You were a damn good lay, I’ll give you that, but that’s all you were to me.  The sooner you accept that, the better.”

              I took a few reflexive steps back as he spoke.  Whatever hope I had felt before was completely gone by the time he finished.  “Why did you do this?” I asked in a whisper.

              “Because that’s who I am,” Perry said, taking a step toward me.  “It was stupid of you to think any differently.”

              “Right,” I said under my breath, feeling utterly empty.  “Stupid.”

              Perry stared at me for just a moment longer before unlocking his car and opening the door.  “Get back in there and do your job,” he muttered as he got in and started it up.

              I moved out of the way, watching him hopelessly.  I hadn’t thought it would be possible, but I felt worse than I had last night.  It had only been a few days, but it was _two and a half years_ in the making.  Part of me, I thought, had always known that there was a bigger reason that I was so attached to Perry.  It just wasn’t until recently that I had realized what that reason was.  I almost wished that we had never even slept together.  At least Perry would be staying and I wouldn’t feel _this_ bad.  Sure, it would have been hard, seeing him every day and knowing that I loved him but couldn’t have him, but it would have been better than this.  _Anything_ was better than this.

 

When I went back inside, Turk and Carla were waiting near the door.  Turk opened his mouth to say something to me, but I walked past both of them.  I didn’t even look in their direction.  If I was going to get through this twelve-hour shift – and I had over half of it left – I couldn’t talk about Perry at all.  I knew I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him, but that was the best I could do.  I trusted Turk and Carla to understand that.

              Unfortunately, an hour later, Elliot came rushing up to me, and she clearly hadn’t gotten the memo.

              “JD,” she said, her voice full of sorrow.  “JD, I’m _so_ sorry.”

              I closed my eyes for a brief second.  “Elliot, please –”

              “It’s just… Carla told me what happened,” Elliot continued, interrupting me.  “And I want you to know that if you need anything, you can talk to me about it.  I know I never liked him, but you did and I’m your friend, so…”

              “Elliot!” I snapped, though I managed to keep my volume low.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

              Elliot’s eyes widened slightly.  “You don’t?” she asked in surprise.  “But you always want to talk about it.”

              I sighed.  “Look, just drop it, okay?” I said tiredly.  “I can’t do this right now.  If I need something, I promise I’ll tell you, but for now, I don’t even want to hear his name.  Got it?”

              Elliot nodded, looking a little put-out.  I couldn’t quite find it in myself to care.  “Okay, JD,” she said softly, patting my shoulder.  “I’ll see you later.”  She turned and walked away and I went back to paging through one of the large medical encyclopedias, looking at the words on the pages without really reading them.

              The remaining five hours of my shift dragged on and on.  I visited with my patients, who still seemed confused by my attitude.  I was surprised when Dr. Kelso walked past and just gave me a small nod.  He continued on and began berating one of the interns like nothing had even happened, but apparently the whole hospital knew now.  I should have expected it, what with Laverne finding out Perry left for good.  Once she had her hands on the latest gossip, it spread like wildfire.  Luckily for me, people seemed to have the good sense not to approach me about it; maybe Carla had warned them or Elliot had told someone that I’d snapped at her.  Perhaps Turk had even forced his surgery buddies into a vow of silence regarding the whole issue.  But now _no one_ was even acknowledging that Perry was gone.  I felt even emptier than I had before.

              We couldn’t just pretend like he’d never worked here.  He was so important to the hospital and there had never been a doubt in my mind that he had been the best doctor in the place.  Sure, he was sarcastic and cruel at times, but he always put his patients’ needs in front of his own.  I suspected it was part of the reason he and Jordan had broken up – he always put the hospital first.  I had admired that about him, even before I’d fallen in love with him.  I had _always_ admired him and I thought a part of me always would.

             

              Somehow, I survived the rest of my shift.  I ignored the worried glances from the orderlies as I trudged toward the exit.  The Janitor was there, standing just outside the door on the ramp, and I didn’t even feel the familiar flash of anxiousness I had come to expect when he was around.  To my surprise, he stepped aside, letting me pass.  Neither of us said anything to each other and though I knew the change wouldn’t be permanent, I was grateful for it.

              I started my car and pulled out of the parking lot, feeling like I was on autopilot.  I knew what I was doing, but I had no interest in it.  I was numb even though my every thought was now devoted to Perry.  I had never loved anyone like that before.  It was strange, loving him before I even _knew_ I did, but as I looked back through the endless supply of memories I had of us together, it became glaringly obvious that I had for a long time.  Did I believe he didn’t love me back?  I think I did.  Maybe Perry wasn’t capable of loving anything more than a football game and a good bottle of scotch.  But I still believed that he felt _something_ for me.  He said he didn’t, and despite feeling hopeless that he would ever come back, I still wondered if I was right.  He left Sacred Heart because of me, because of what had happened between us.  That meant something, even if I wasn’t quite sure what it was.

              It was emotional whiplash, going from being blissfully happy to so completely and utterly hopeless.  I thought back to the previous morning, when we’d woken up together and spent some time rolling around in his bed.  That was the happiest I had ever felt.  I had let down my guard, let him in, and it had been nothing short of perfect.  Then it was all abruptly taken away.  I was still reeling.

              The memory of the way he had smiled at me that first night and the morning after only provided me with a flicker of warmth in my otherwise cold body.  If I could remember him that way, instead of as the Dr. Cox who was constantly ranting at me and demoralizing me, I thought maybe I could be okay.  I would remember _Perry,_ not Dr. Cox.  They were two different people.

              As I turned into the intersection, just a couple blocks from home, I wondered if I would ever see him again.  Maybe he would come to visit or to pick up his last paycheck.  Even if he didn’t come back to see _me,_ I could live with that.  Unfortunately, as I was contemplating this, I felt something large crash into the side of my car.  I heard the sickening crunch and jolted – _hard_ – as I rebounded back against the window, my hands still on the wheel.  My last thought was still of him before everything went black.

* * *

 

_Pick up your phone, Perry.  It’s important._

_Damn it, Perry!  You know how pissed I am at you so I wouldn’t call unless it was important.  Call me back as soon as you get this._

_I didn’t want to tell you via voicemail, but… JD was in an accident.  Guy t-boned him in the middle of an intersection.  He’s in… he’s in really bad shape.  They’re taking him into surgery now – Turk’s assisting.  Please, just… call me back.  You know neither of us really believe you don’t care about him.  If –_ when _he wakes up… God, Perry, please just answer your phone._


	11. With Or Without You

**Perry’s POV**

I’d been ignoring my phone for the last several hours as I drove.  I had no idea where I was going, but I didn’t care as long as it was away from the hospital.  I could start over almost anywhere.  I was a damn good doctor and I couldn’t imagine a place that wouldn’t take me.  Maybe I’d go back home, to the Northeast.  Then again, maybe not.  There were too many memories there.  I could always try the Midwest or somewhere down South.  Either way, my options seemed limitless.

              I stopped to fill up the tank and grab a bite to eat at a dumpy gas station just off the highway.  The sun was just starting to set when I walked out with one of those shitty gas station sandwiches wrapped in plastic.  I wasn’t entirely sure I should eat it, but I’d gotten hungry along the way.  I got back in my car and finally pulled out my phone.  Upon looking at the screen, I saw that I had four missed calls from Carla, with four voicemails accompanying them.  I felt certain they were just her berating me for leaving (both the hospital and JD), but something told me I should listen to them anyway.  I chalked it up to my self-loathing and put the phone to my ear.

              The first one wasn’t all that concerning.  “Pick up your phone, Perry.  It’s important.”  If it was important, she would have told me right away, wouldn’t she?  I rolled my eyes and waited for the second one to begin.  “Damn it, Perry! You know how pissed I am at you so I wouldn’t call unless it was important.  Call me back as soon as you get this.”  I wasn’t planning on calling her back until I heard the third voicemail.

              “I didn’t want to tell you via voicemail, but…  JD was in an accident.  Guy t-boned him in the middle of an intersection.  He’s in… he’s in really bad shape.  They’re taking him into surgery now – Turk’s assisting.  Please, just… call me back.  You know neither of us really believe you don’t care about him.  If – _when_ he wakes up… God, Perry, please just answer your phone.”

              Suddenly, everything changed.  I threw the sandwich into the backseat, feeling sick to my stomach.  My palms had started to sweat and as badly as I wanted to peel out of the parking lot, I stopped myself.  There was one more voicemail and I hoped with every fiber of my being that it wasn’t Carla calling to tell me something much, much worse had happened.

              “All right, Perry, this is the last time I’m calling.  It’s bad.  He’s still in surgery.  There’s internal bleeding and he’s broken a lot of bones.  Ruptured his spleen, too.  They haven’t updated us in a while… I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  But you and I both know that he’d want you here.  Please just come.”

              I shifted the car into drive and tore out onto the highway, barely checking for traffic, and turned back the way I came.  I was panicked, my mind imagining the worst possible outcome.  There was no more lying to myself.  How could I when JD’s life was hanging in the balance.  I had no other excuse for why I was breaking just about every traffic law just to get back to him.  I had been driving for hours and it would take me a while to get back to the hospital, but I was determined to see him.  Why hadn’t I just picked up the damn phone and saved myself the trouble?  It didn’t even occur to me to call Carla back; she would call me if there was more news, right?  Or had she given up on me?  I would have.

              As I sped around slow-moving cars, using the left lane almost exclusively, my mind raced with images of JD’s face.  The way he had looked at me when I told him I was leaving and again when I told him I felt nothing for him.  I had been so stupid.  And he’d been right the whole time.  I was scared.  I was _terrified._ I had never felt a fraction of what I felt for him with anyone else, not even Jordan.  Somehow, I had known that it would be him or it would be no one.  And I was too much of a damn coward to tell him that.  I’d known him for two and a half years and all I had ever allowed myself to think about him was how annoying he was.  And sure, he _had_ annoyed me, often, but it had become a comfort after so long.  The more time I spent with him, the less he actually irritated me.  I had become fond of him and now I certainly had feelings for him.

              We’d slept together, and I had actually felt happy for once in my life.  I was stupid to have pushed away the one person who had done that for me.  It had been such a foreign feeling, though, that I had run away the moment it got real.  And now I regretted all of it.  Hell, anyone would know that he deserved better than me, _so_ much better, but for whatever reason, he’d chosen me too.  And I’d thrown it back in his face, probably hurt him beyond belief.

              What if I had caused his accident?  Was he not paying attention while he was driving?  Or did some jerk run a red light?  Either way, I had a sinking feeling that it had been my fault, however it had happened.  I had to see him, had to make things right and tell him I was sorry.  I could only do that if he was able to hang on long enough.  The thought that he might not be able to made my throat feel tight and my hands shake.  There was so much at stake right now.  I pressed my right foot down on the gas pedal a little harder.

* * *

 

              “Where is he?” I asked, breathless, the moment I strode into the doctor’s lounge.  I had cut my trip almost in half, arriving just over three hours after listening to Carla’s voicemails.  “I want to see him.”

              Carla stood, her eyes rimmed with red and her arms crossed.  Elliot sat beside her, looking down at the floor.  My heart sank.  “You jackass,” Carla said, though her anger didn’t have the same effect as it once did.  “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

              “Never mind that now,” I said dismissively, walking over to her.  “Is he out of surgery yet?”

              “He’s in recovery,” Carla said tiredly.  “We can’t see him yet.  Turk said he’s hanging on, but he’s not out of the woods yet.”

              “Where’s his chart?” I asked impatiently.  “I’ll treat him.”

              “Stop trying to be a hero,” Carla muttered.  “He’s already got a doctor.  He fractured a few ribs, broke his arm and his leg, he’s got lacerations all over his face and hands, not to mention the internal bleeding.  They had to remove his spleen with all the damage.  He might not even wake up right away.”

              I took a deep breath, my arms falling to my sides.  “I just need to see him,” I finally said, my voice much more subdued.  Something in my tone must have worried Carla because suddenly her anger was gone and she sank back down onto the couch.

              “They’ll come and get us when he’s in his room,” she said softly, leaning into Elliot, who was crying silently.  “You can see him then.”

              I slowly sat down on the other couch, my hands behind my head.  We were all on edge, but no one more than me.  If something happened, if I didn’t get a chance to make things right… I didn’t know how I would live with myself.  I had been _so_ stupid, so self-centered.  It was ironic that I had told him _he_ was.  JD was quite possibly the most selfless person I knew, always going the extra mile for his patients and helping his friends.  Sure, he was young and it showed sometimes, but he always meant well.  It was one of the things that drew me to him, apart from being a damn good doctor.  I knew my thoughts couldn’t reach him, but I begged him to stay alive, to hold on and fight as hard as he could.

 

              It felt like hours before Turk walked into the lounge, looking exhausted and more than a little emotional.  Carla hurried into his arms and hugged him tightly.  I could barely look at them.

              “How is he?” Elliot asked, standing from her spot on the couch.  “Can we see him?”

              “He’s still out,” Turk replied, keeping an arm around Carla.  “But he’s in his room.  We won’t really know the extent of his injuries until he wakes up.  There’s some slight swelling around his brain – it looks like he hit it pretty hard – and he’s not out of the woods yet, but we’re… hopeful.”  His voice broke on the last word and he buried his face in Carla’s hair.

              I stood and walked out the other door.  I didn’t need to be present for any more than that.  Instead, I walked up to the ICU, feeling a little out of place in my street clothes.  No one looked especially surprised to see me so either they didn’t know I left for good or they all knew _why_ I left.  Judging by the worried look on Laverne’s face, I gathered in was the latter.  She nodded in the direction of JD’s room and I took a deep breath before I pushed the door open.

              I was greeted by a sight I saw every day, but I had never expected it to be _him_ looking like this.  He was hooked up to all manner of machines, IVs sprouting from his arms and hands.  His face was already bruised, purple and swollen.  There were stitches on his cheek and his forehead and some more minor cuts here and there.  He looked almost unrecognizable, his hair coated with dried blood.

              As I slowly walked over to the side of the bed, I took in the rest of him.  They had his left arm and leg in a cast, both of them stabilized.  The sheets were covering him up to his chest, but I could only imagine the bandages and bruising that lay beneath.  He didn’t look peaceful the way some patients did.  He looked like he was in pain and I checked his morphine drip to find they had him maxed out.  I desperately wished there was something I could do for him, but I knew better.  The only option I had now was to hope he pulled through.

              I pulled up a chair to the right side of the bed as quietly as I could.  Any sound I made seemed to echo in the small room and felt out of place.  I sank down into it and hesitantly reached for his hand.  It seemed to be one of the only places on his body that wasn’t already starting to bruise.  I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was my fault even though I hadn’t been the one to hit him.  It was because of me that he was distracted.  If he woke up, I hoped he would find it in himself to forgive me for everything I had put him through.

              I pressed a soft kiss to his hand and rested my forehead against it for a few moments.  “Hang in there, kid,” I murmured.  “You’re a fighter.  You’ll get through this.  And when you wake up, I’ll be here.”  I didn’t know if he could hear me or if my words would mean anything to him after everything I’d put him through, but I hoped I made some kind of impression.

 

              Carla, Elliot, Turk, and several other hospital employees including Todd, Laverne, and Kelso, all came into JD’s room that night.  Turk looked angriest out of all of them when I refused to leave.  I hadn’t even let go of JD’s hand, but he let it go after Carla convinced him to leave me alone.  She didn’t have to do that, but I was grateful that she had.  I didn’t have it in me to fight.  My sole thought was of JD, clinging to the hope that he would wake up.

              Sometime that night, or early that morning, before the sun had rose, I felt his hand move.  I sat up in my chair, my eyes on his face.  “JD?” I asked, my voice rough from disuse.  “JD, can you hear me?”

              It was several more minutes before his eyelids flickered open.  He looked all around the room before they traveled from our intertwined hands, up my arm, to my face.  “Hey,” I murmured, keeping my voice gentle.  “You’re all right.  You’re gonna be okay, you hear that, Newbie?”

              He blinked at me, looking back down at our hands.  “What… why are you here?” he whispered, sounding confused.

              “You were in an accident,” I explained, rubbing my thumb in small circles on his hand.  “Carla called me and I… I came right back.”

              “I meant… why are you _in_ here?” JD said, shaking his head slightly.  “In my room.”

              “I’ve been in here since you got out of surgery.”

              “Leave,” he said, a tear rolling down the side of his face as he looked back at me.

              “JD,” I said slowly, “I came back for you.  I had to tell you –”

              “Go!” JD said a little louder, wincing.  “I don’t want to see you!”

              I let my hand fall away from his.  “Look, I want to make it up to you.  I know I hurt you, but you were right all along.”

              He pressed the button on his bed to call a nurse as I watched in disbelief.  “Get out of here,” he begged, his tears coming faster now.  It was obvious this was causing him even more pain, so I backed toward the door.

              “I’m sorry,” I said weakly, turning and walking out just as a nurse walked in.  I could hear her asking JD what was wrong as he sucked in short breaths, verging on hysterics.  All I was good for was causing him pain, it seemed, but I had to talk to him somehow, get him to listen to me.  I didn’t know how I would manage it, but I would get to him if it was the last thing I did.


	12. Shameless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have never let anything have this much control over me  
> I work too hard to call my life my own  
> And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly  
> But it's your world now I can't refuse  
> I've never had so much to lose  
> Oh, I'm shameless"  
> \- Shameless, Garth Brooks

**JD’s POV**

I remembered everything.  I remembered the accident and I _definitely_ remembered what Perry had said to me earlier in the day.  I was shocked to see him sitting next to me when I woke up, every inch of my body aching and throbbing.  Truthfully, I was still pretty out of it and it was hard to focus on anything but the pain, but his words were still on repeat in my head.  _I, on the other hand, feel_ nothing _for you._ Whether or not it was true didn’t matter anymore because all I could feel was hurt.  So I kicked him out of my room and now here I was, trying to breathe normally even though every inhale took my breath away again.  The nurse ended up getting an oxygen mask on me and somehow had the good sense to page Turk. 

              “Hey,” Turk said as soon as he walked in, pushing the nurse aside and coming to stand next to me.  I felt terrified, and it was still hard to get my breathing under control.  “You’re fine now, you hear me?  Just take it easy.”

              I looked up at him and slowly but surely, I managed to slow my breathing, though my eyes were still wide.  “He… he was here,” I managed, hoping Turk understood.

              He nodded.  “Yeah, I know.  He’s been here for hours.  Wouldn’t leave.”

              I tried to sit up, but winced and fell back against the bed.  “Why?”  I asked, closing my eyes.

              When I looked up again, Turk was watching me worriedly.  “I don’t really know,” he said after a brief pause.  “I haven’t really been talking to him since I hate his guts, you know?  But I guess Carla went and called him when everything… happened.”

              “Right,” I said softly.  “Of course she did.  So, what’s all wrong with me?”

              “You were in surgery for quite a while,” Turk said, sinking into the seat Perry had previously been in.  “We had to remove your spleen.  I’ve never seen one look that bad.  And you’ve got broken ribs and you fractured your arm and your leg in two different spots.  Plus, you lost a lot of blood with all the cuts and everything.  I stitched your face up myself.”

              “Thanks,” I said, attempting a smile which, judging by Turk’s reaction, wasn’t very successful.  “I’m glad it was you.”

              “Well, I wasn’t about to let The Todd in there,” Turk half-laughed.  “Come on, dude, don’t get sappy on me.”

              “Sorry,” I mumbled.  “Guess I’m just not having the best week.”

              “You can say that again,” Turk agreed.  “But you’re gonna get better.  You have to know that.”

              “I just don’t know why he came back,” I said quietly, looking down.  “I thought he’d be gone forever.”

              Turk hesitated, and I knew he wanted to support me, but he wasn’t so good with the touchy-feely stuff.  “Look, man,” he finally said with a sigh, “all I want is for you to be happy.  I’m not sure what that means for you.  I’m not sure _you_ know what that means for you.  But that’s okay.  I’ll support you with whatever, but I think you should think long and hard about what it is you really want.”

              My eyes widened slightly.  I hadn’t been expecting such a heartfelt answer from Turk, but it meant a lot to me.  “Yeah, that makes sense,” I mused.  “But the thing is, I _know_ what I want.  I just don’t know if it… if _he_ is right for me.”

              Turk nodded.  “I had a feeling you were gonna say that.  I just don’t want to see you get hurt like that again.  All this,” he said, gesturing to the state I was in, “was bad enough.”

              “Come on,” I said quietly, blinking away tears.  “You’re my best friend.  I wouldn’t leave you.”

              “Dude,” Turk said warningly.  “Don’t go there.”

              “All right, all right,” I said quickly, clearing my throat.  “I won’t.  But I love you, Turk.”

              “Yeah, I know,” Turk said, managing a small smile.  “I love you too.  Get some rest, okay?  Carla and I are gonna head home.  Elliot, too.”

              “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I assured him.  “Thanks again.  For everything.”

              “Don’t mention it,” Turk said fondly before he left, closing the door to my room behind him.  I settled back into my bed, feeling considerably better emotionally, if not physically.

 

**Perry’s POV**

“You gonna stare at the wall forever?” Carla asked from behind me.  “Come on, why don’t you go home and get some rest?”

              I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the white, featureless wall in front of me.  “I’m staying here,” I said firmly, wanting to make it clear that there would be no arguing on the matter. 

              Carla sighed and sat down next to me.  “You’re not doing JD or yourself any good by staying here,” she said.  “He’s gonna be fine, Turk said so.”

              “Forgive me if I don’t trust Gumball with my life the way you do,” I muttered.

              Carla rolled her eyes at me.  “Well, if you’re going to stay here all night, you might as well go talk to him again.”

              “How’s about you quit telling me what to do and get out of here?” I said, though my heart wasn’t in it.  I was far too preoccupied with thinking – and worrying – about JD.

              Carla gave me a small smile and patted my shoulder before she stood up.  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Perry.  Be nice to him, though.  He’s been having a hard time.”

              I didn’t acknowledge her, but I was done lying to JD.  His accident had made sure of that.  I needed to lay everything on the line.  If, after that, he decided he still didn’t want me, then I’d have to live with that, knowing that I had ruined everything with him.  At least I would know for sure.

              I sat in the lounge for a while after that, snapping at or ignoring anyone who came in and tried to engage me in conversation.  The word must have gotten out because people were leaving me alone.  Soon enough, I couldn’t stand it anymore – I had to see him.  I had to know.

              I made my way up to the ICU and spotted Laverne behind the counter.  “Here,” I said under my breath as I slid a ten-dollar bill across the counter.  “Don’t call security if you hear shouting.”

              She surreptitiously slipped the bill into her pocket and nodded. “Do what you have to do,” she said with a shrug, though I knew she would relay anything she heard to the other nurses. 

              I didn’t bother knocking on JD’s door, figuring he would just turn me away if he knew it was me.  I stepped inside and shut the door behind me before I looked over at his bed.  His eyes were closed and his breathing was even.  He certainly needed rest and I didn’t want to wake him, so I stepped over to the chair as quietly as I could.  I was surprised to see him looking at me when I glanced at him again.

              “Hi,” I said in a voice just above a whisper.  When he didn’t respond, I saw no other choice but to continue on.  “I – I wanted to see how you were feeling.”

              “I was in a car accident,” he said flatly.  “I’ve been better.”

              “Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?” I asked worriedly, hating to see him this way.

              He snorted and then winced.  “Perry, if you have something to say, could you just get it over with?”

              “Yeah, all right,” I sighed, keeping my eyes locked on his.  “I messed up.  Big time.  If you don’t believe anything else I tell you, just know that I never meant to hurt you.  But I was scared.  Fucking _terrified,_ if you can believe that.  The thing is, I’ve never actually felt this way about, well, anyone before.  I’ve never been _that guy._ It was easier for me to push you away instead of admit how I really feel about you.”

              “Why should I believe you?” JD asked in a small voice.  “After everything you said to me.”

              “This is different.  You… you almost _died._ And when I realized I could have lost you – and I mean really _lost_ you – I knew it didn’t matter if I’m scared. “

              “You told me I was stupid to think you had feelings for me,” JD said, his hurt obvious.

              “I know what I said,” I sighed.  “And that was stupid of _me_.  I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through, but I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I didn’t make sure you knew just how much you… mean to me.”

              “Then tell me,” JD said, still looking wary. 

              “JD… JD, I love you.”

              There it was.  I had finally said it.  It felt strangely liberating, like I didn’t have to pretend anymore.  Suddenly, I didn’t care who found out about us.  All that mattered was JD and whether or not he believed me. 

              “What are you crying for?” I asked, shocked to see JD in tears again.

              He shook his head and wiped gingerly at his cheeks, trying to avoid the cuts and stitches.  “I never thought I would hear you say that and actually believe it,” he sniffled.  “I love you so much, Perry.  I love you and I hate it because I’m still scared you’re going to leave again.”

              I immediately sat forward in my seat, my elbows on JD’s bed.  “I’m not going anywhere, Newbie,” I said seriously.  “Not now.  Not anymore.”

              “You promise?” he asked, his tears still flowing.

              As gently as I could, I reached up and brushed his tears away with my thumbs and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.  “I promise.  I want to be wherever you are.”  God, spend enough time with the kid and I was just as sappy and cliché as he was.

              JD’s breath hitched with a quiet sob and he reached out to run his good hand over my arm, holding me close to him.  “It hurts so much,” he whispered, his forehead resting against mine.

              “I know it does,” I murmured.  “But you’re strong.  Always have been.  You’re gonna get through this.  And, JD, when you come home, I – I want you to come home to me.”

              JD pulled back just a few inches and looked at me with watery blue eyes.  “If that’s really what you want,” he said softly.  “I’d really like that.”

              I leaned down and kissed his lips as softly as I could manage.  “It is,” I confirmed, my eyes moving over his bruised and swollen face.  “I’ll never leave you again, kid.”

              I could tell by the way he looked up at me with those doe eyes that he really believed me this time.

             


	13. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey  
> I shook the hand of time and I knew  
> that if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs  
> I just don't think I'll ever get over you  
> \- I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You, Colin Hay

**JD’s POV**

It had been a week and two days since my accident and Perry sat with me whenever he had a chance.  He told Kelso that first night that he was staying and Kelso jumped at the opportunity to give him his job back.  I thought it was kind of sweet, but Perry was eager to change the subject.  Perry was always eager to change the subject and asked me multiple times per hour how I was feeling.  Sometimes, I could truthfully say I felt okay, especially lately, but other times, it was obvious I was in pain.  I hated telling him, though, because I could see how much it upset him to see me that way.  I had started pretending I felt okay even when the pain got _really_ bad, but Carla figured it out quickly.  I begged her not to tell Perry because he’d make a big deal out of it, but of course he noticed when my doctor had upped my pain meds.  He made me promise after that to be honest about my pain level and it really was for the best.  I was feeling much better with the appropriate medication and my mood reflected it.

              It was for that reason that I was all smiles when Perry came into my room, looking particularly dashing in a flannel button-up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of jeans I’d never seen him wear. 

              “You ready to get out of here?” he asked me after kissing the top of my head.

              I smiled up at him and nodded.  “More than ready,” I confirmed.  “You’re off today?”

              “Took the day off just for you, Newbie,” Perry informed me.  “Also managed to get Kelso to agree to giving me some of my vacation back.”

              My eyebrows narrowed as I studied his face.  “What are you saying?”

              “Well, I wasn’t going to leave you alone during your recovery,” Perry said, just the hint of a smile playing on his lips.  “I’ll be home with you for three weeks.  You should be in a bit better shape by then, and physical therapy will help.”

              “You’re taking three weeks off for me?” I asked in surprise.  “You didn’t have to do that.”

              Perry rolled his eyes, a reaction I had come to expect.  “Don’t act like you aren’t thrilled,” he teased.

              I gave him a sheepish smile.  “All right, all right,” I allowed.  “I’m pretty excited.  But mostly I just want to get out of here.”

              “Well, lucky for you,” Perry said, pulling some papers out from behind his back as he sat down next to me, “I have your discharge papers right here.”

              My smile widened and I eagerly reached for the papers.  “I had this dream that maybe the world completely changed while I’ve been in here,” I said as I started filling out the forms.  “Like, what if the plants came to life and became our governing body?”

              Perry was silent for a few moments before he started laughing.  I couldn’t help but join him even though it made me wince a little as I remember my broken ribs.  “What?” I asked, grinning. 

              “Your little fantasies used to really annoy the hell out of me,” he chuckled, “but they’re actually pretty endearing.”

              I blushed and looked down at my papers.  “Glad you think so,” I mumbled, signing where I needed to.  “Can we just go ho – to your place?”

              Perry took the papers from me when I’d finished.  “You can call it your home if you want to, Newbie,” he said in a gentler voice.  “It’s yours if you want it to be.”

              I looked back up at him, finding his expression totally sincere.  I felt a rush of warmth for him.  Things had been, at worst, awkward between us and, at best, amazing.  It was rough at first; I believed that he loved me, but I was still worried he was going to leave me or change his mind about being with me.  Over the last week, things had gotten better, but between what Turk said to me and what I knew Elliot _wanted_ to say, I was a little concerned that we were moving too fast.

              When I saw how serious he was about me coming home with him, I suddenly didn’t mind if we _were_ moving too fast.  I wanted to be with him and I loved seeing this other, far more gentle side of him. 

              “What do you say I get this up to the front desk and we get you outside where you’ll find no sentient plants?” Perry said after a few moments.  He seemed to decide that I was no longer having second thoughts.

              “That sounds perfect,” I agreed.  He flashed me a quick smile before he walked out.  I was suddenly grateful that I had been able to get dressed this morning on my own.  It had been difficult, getting my clothes on one-handed, and a bit painful at times, but I had managed.  I needed at least that much independence, though I had a funny feeling Perry was going to want to wait on me hand and foot.  I’d probably need him to, too, considering I couldn’t walk yet and there was no way I could use crutches with my left arm in a cast.  I was stuck with a wheelchair at least until I could handle a walking boot, and the prospect of being practically immobile was _not_ exciting.

             

              I was surprised at how quickly Perry was back in my room, given how long some discharges took.  I certainly wasn’t disappointed, though.  I suspected he’d bullied some of the workers into processing everything as quickly as possible.

              “Back so soon?” I asked, pleased.

              “You bet your ass,” he confirmed, pushing a wheelchair into the room.  “Even got them to let me wheel you out, not some incompetent orderly.”

              “Wow,” I said, grinning.  “I like the way this hospital does business.  Maybe I can get a job here someday.”

              Perry rolled his eyes and pushed the chair up next to my bed.  “You sure you’re up for this?”

              “I’m sure,” I said quickly, sitting up slowly, as I’d learned to do over the past week.  “It just takes me a while.”

              I moved in slow-motion and swung my legs over the side of the bed.  I’d learned how to breathe calmly, deeply and slowly enough that I wasn’t panting, but not so deep that it hurt my ribs.  I leaned down and placed my hand on the far armrest of the chair, with Perry holding it steady, and gingerly slid down into it.  I still winced a little and waited until I caught my breath before I spoke.

              “Okay,” I said, looking up at Perry.  “I’m ready to go.”

 

**Perry’s POV**

I got JD home without incident, and he was now settled on the couch with some movie playing on TV that I’d never seen.  He seemed invested, though, so I let him be and went to the kitchen to make him some waffles, which he’d sheepishly requested after some prodding.

              “Here we go,” I announced, carrying a plate with waffles absolutely _smothered_ in syrup into the living room.  I quickly shut my mouth, though, when I realized he’d fallen asleep, still sitting up.  I couldn’t help but smile as I set the plate down on the coffee table and sat down next to him.

              It felt a little too sappy for me to watch him sleep, though I did sneak occasional glances during commercials.  I left the movie on, curious as to why Newbie liked it so much.  It was obnoxiously cliché, predictable, and downright sickening when the two main characters finally kissed at the very end.  Of course he’d love it. 

              I knew I could never be _that_ soft, but I had already decided to try to change for him.  I couldn’t be the doting, self-sacrificing man in the movie, but I could try and put JD first, before the hospital for a change.  I would never purposely fight with him, but I knew I had a tendency not to communicate.  For him, I could try.

              JD woke up not long after the movie ended.  By then, I had already thrown away the waffles since they had turned into a pile of mush.  I was glad I had the foresight to make more than one meal’s worth so he could have some later.  He stirred at first, mumbling nonsense while his eyelids fluttered.  A few minutes later, he finally opened those blue eyes and looked right up at me.  I couldn’t even look away, pretend I hadn’t been watching him.

              “I fell asleep,” he said softly, his eyelids still drooping.

              “Sure did,” I said quietly, running a hand through his hair.  “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in bed?”

              “But you made waffles,” he mumbled, resting his head on my shoulder.  I had a sneaking suspicion he’d be purring if he was able to.

              “And they’ll still be there when you want them.”

              “Okay,” he said through a yawn, closing his eyes.  “Perry?”

              “Yeah, Newbie?” I asked, continuing my movements.

              “I really love you,” he murmured.

              I couldn’t help but smile and I gently kissed his forehead, taking care to avoid the stitches he was due to get taken out later in the week.  “You know what, JD?”

              “What?” he asked, sighing contentedly. 

              “I really love you too.”


	14. Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You take my breath away  
> Love thinks it's here to stay  
> There's still so much for me to do  
> And I can't stop loving you  
> Oh, can this be true?  
> \- Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone, Glass Tiger

**Perry’s POV**

It was all I could do not to start laughing.  For the last week, JD had been dropping hints that he was more than feeling up to doing a little ‘rolling around in the sheets.’  That, of course, was how he had put it the previous night while I was half asleep.  I was grateful his ribs had healed because I pushed him back onto the bed, kissing him thoroughly, and told him to shut up.

              Now, he’d _very_ conveniently dropped his book on the other side of the bed, requiring him to lean over my waist to retrieve it.  I knew exactly what he was doing, but I told him I didn’t want to aggravate his injuries by doing anything too rough or strenuous.  He’d started trying to seduce me after his doctor confirmed his ribs were healed.  He’d been doing well at physical therapy and I’d gone back to work a week before, just a day after he’d gotten the cast on his arm taken off.  I still called and checked on him often during my shifts and I couldn’t deny I was thrilled to see him when I came home.  He was always so happy to see me, all smiles, and didn’t hesitate to kiss me as deeply and suggestively as possible.

              And here he was again, purposely brushing against my crotch while he reached for his book, his doe eyes locked on mine.

              “Sweetheart,” I said slowly, “just what do you think you’re doing?”

              He stammered for a moment, blushing at the pet-name like he always did.  “I – I just dropped my book,” he said unconvincingly.  “It was an accident.”

              “An accident?” I repeated, arching an eyebrow and setting down the medical journal I’d been reading.  “You and I both know you did nothing short of flinging that thing across the room.”

              I chuckled as his smile widened.  “Per,” he whined.  “The doctor said I could engage in _normal activities._ Sex is a normal activity.”

              I looked him up and down for a moment, considering this.  I was still apprehensive about causing him more harm than pleasure, but I couldn’t deny him this, could I?  The poor thing looked so turned on it was painful, and I just couldn’t have that.  “Take your clothes off,” I sighed, shrugging my own shirt off in one fluid movement.

              When I looked back at him, I could have sworn his mouth started to water.  “Really?  We can?” he asked hopefully, looking remarkably like an excited puppy.

              “Yeah, we can,” I said in amusement.  “But only if you get undressed.”

              He nodded quickly and stripped in record time; he’d gotten it down to a science, maneuvering around the cast on his leg with ease.  I’d just tossed my bottoms onto the floor next to the bed when he crawled on top of me and kissed me deeply.

              “I missed you,” he whispered, his lips still on mine.

              I threaded a hand into his hair, keeping him close to me.  “Missed you too, kid,” I breathed, sliding a hand between us and wrapping it around his rapidly hardening cock.  I smirked at the whimper he let out and kissed him again. 

              “Just fuck me,” he said breathlessly.  “Please, Perry.”

              “Eager are we?” I asked, though I was already reaching into my bedside table for a condom and lube.

              “You have no idea,” he said, rolling off me, though he started kissing my neck and running his hand over my chest.  “I had to entertain myself while you were at work _somehow._ ”

              “You entertained yourself, did you?” I asked, rolling the condom on and slicking up my fingers.  “Have any ideas?”

              “Well, you could start with your fingers in my ass,” JD said, sucking on my neck so hard I was certain he’d leave a mark.

              I groaned and pulled him closer, kissing him deeply as I slid two fingers into him.  He rewarded me with a loud moan, his head falling back against the pillows.  “Yes,” he gasped, rolling his hips up already.

              “You weren’t kidding,” I said under my breath, adding a third finger, stretching him quickly.  Truthfully, I couldn’t wait to bury myself inside him – it had been far too long and I’d spent too many mornings pounding one out in the shower, imagining all the ways I could have him.

              “Please, please,” he begged, and I got the impression he was so far gone already that he wasn’t even sure what he was begging _for_ anymore. 

              I pulled my fingers out of him and quickly, but gently, turned him on his side, facing away from me, and slowly pushed up into him.  I dug my fingers into his leg, holding him right up against me, and kissed at his shoulder.  I moaned against his skin and he reaching down to grab at my hand, his face buried in his pillow.  For once, he was almost completely silent as I set a slow, deep rhythm, rocking into him.  I could tell he was overwhelmed in a good way, and I was right there with him.

              “God, you feel so good,” JD moaned as he wrapped a hand around himself, stroking quickly.  “So, so good.”

              I latched onto his shoulder, kissing and sucking as I sped up.  I held him even tighter to me, though I was still careful not to hurt him.  “Keep moaning for me, baby,” I murmured, my breath coming fast and shallow.

              He did, gasping and whimpering into the pillow.  I knew in that moment that I would never love anyone else, and it wasn’t all that surprising that I was able to admit that to myself.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, wanted to be this way forever.

              He craned his head back, twisting his upper body, just so he could kiss me.  I thrusted up into him, running my hand up and down his leg and side.  “I love you,” I whispered, barely breaking our kiss.

              He nodded just slightly and moaned into the kiss.  “I love you,” he breathed, his eyes shut tightly.  “It’s embarrassing – how close I am.”

              I somehow managed to smile.  “I know, sweetheart,” I assured him.  “Just let go.”

              He didn’t last much longer, just barely rocking back against me as he desperately searched for release.  He gasped my name over and over again, and it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.  I followed close behind him, groaning, my face buried against his neck.

              JD shook slightly as he came down, relaxing against me.  I pulled out of him and tossed the condom in the garbage can by my bedside table before pulling him back against my chest. 

              “Gorgeous,” I murmured, rubbing his side. 

              I could hear the smile in his voice when he answered.  “Made a mess,” he mumbled.  “Been too long.”

              “We’ll have to fix that, won’t we?” I said softly, kissing his shoulder.  “Make this a regular activity.”

              “Yes, please,” he agreed, turning onto his back.  I grabbed a tissue and cleaned him up as best I could, kissing him all the while.  “Thanks for taking such good care of me, Per.”

              “You don’t have to thank me, Newbie,” I reminded him, kissing along his jawline.  “I’m happy to do it.”

              “Just let me, okay?” he insisted, smiling again.  “I know it can’t be fun taking care of patients all day and then coming home to another one.  Even if I do repay you with sex.”

              I rolled my eyes and took his chin in my hand, making him look at me.  “I would do anything for you,” I said quietly but firmly.  “You are not a burden and you don’t have to _repay_ me.  Hell, it’s the least I can do for everything I put you through.”

              He looked up at me for a long moment before moving a hand into my hair and kissing me softly.  “Don’t tell me you’re still feeling guilty about all that,” he murmured.  “Perry, I forgave you a long time ago.”

              “I know you did,” I assured him.  I knew that, I really did.  It was just hard to think of how poorly I’d treated him for so long.  “Guess I just admire how forgiving you are.  I may not deserve it, but I damn sure love you even more for it.”

              He smiled up at me again and kissed my cheek.  “I love you too,” he said happily.  “Forever.”

              “Yeah, I think I can handle that forever thing now,” I told him, gathering him up into my arms as I rolled over onto my back.  He rolled with me, laying on my chest. 

              “Can I ask you a question?” he asked after a long silence.  I had wondered if he’d drifted off when he finally spoke.

              “I suppose,” I said, running my fingers lightly over his back.

              “When I come back to work, whenever that is, is it… are _we_ going to be like this?”

              “You mean, am I going to go back to yelling at you and treating you like every other resident?” I asked slowly.

              “Well, when you put it that way… yeah, I guess.”

              “At work, we both have to be professional,” I said after a moment, considering the question.  “But I want everyone to know you’re mine.  So, I can promise that I will _still_ treat you like _a_ resident, but I don’t think I could bear yelling at you again.  It might be different at first, but we’ll get used to it, get into a rhythm.”

              He lifted his head then and looked at me, bemused.  “Really?”

              “Yeah, really,” I said, my brows furrowing.

              “I like that answer,” he said decidedly.  “I love it.”

              I chuckled and kissed him once again.  “Well, I’m glad,” I said genuinely.  “Now, why don’t you get some rest?  You didn’t sleep well last night.”

              “You noticed that?” JD asked, settling back down on my chest and pulling the covers over us.

              “Course I did.  Were you hurting?”

              JD snorted.  “No, I was just doing a little too much fantasizing, if you know what I mean.”

              “Christ, Newbie,” I said fondly.  “I should have known.”

              “It was uncomfortable!” he said defensively, though he giggled.  “Goodnight, Perry.”

              “Goodnight, JD,” I echoed, closing my eyes and keeping one arm wrapped around his waist.  “You’ll sleep better tonight.”

              I glanced down at him before I turned my light off, noting the soft smile on his face even as he drifted off.  Yeah, I could get used to this.


	15. The Book of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had intended for there to be more chapters (one or two more), but this just felt right. This may very well be one of, if not THE, first multi-chapter fic I've actually finished. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and I hope you all enjoyed it, too! I'll probably go back to updating my other multi-chapter JDox fic, Biters, which is a zombie!AU, but always be on the lookout for more oneshots or other fics! Happy Holidays!

**JD’s POV**

If someone had told me I would be dancing with Perry Cox at the Sacred Heart Christmas party, I would have thought they were crazy.  But here we were, swaying back and forth to the third version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” that had played that night.  I’d been back to work for nearly three months at this point, so the excitement over our relationship had died down a while ago.  It had been pretty unbearable at first, with people asking me questions left and right, but Perry was quick to put everyone in their place.

              He had admittedly been a little reluctant to dance in front of everyone, but I’d managed to persuade him with a trip to one of the supply closet.  It turned out that I could get him to do just about anything if I dropped to my knees, though I tried to only use my power for really important things like getting a kitten or watching _Finding Nemo_ for the eighteenth time.

              My head was on his shoulder and my eyes were closed, his arms wrapped around my waist.  He even hummed occasionally to the music, quiet enough for just me to hear.  Even Turk, who had taken the longest out of anyone to warm up to Perry, smiled when he saw us walk onto the dancefloor, which was rather small, considering the large hall that had been rented for the party.

              Kelso and the Janitor were sitting at one of the tables, getting progressively drunker, and every so often I could hear Kelso’s barking laugh.  It was easy to tune out, though, when I focused on Perry.  He’d been so good these last several months, helping me through my recovery, even when it took a little longer than normal for me to get back to normal after they took the cast off my leg.  I had a small scar left on my cheek from the accident and he made a point to kiss it each night before we fell asleep.  He’d tell me he loved me, kiss me, kiss the scar, and we’d fall asleep most nights tangled up in each other.

              I had never been more in love than I was with Perry, and it was easy to see he felt the same way.  I told him often, but he was more prone to _showing_ me.  It wasn’t just sex, either.  He was always giving me little gifts or making me my favorite foods, just doing small things here and there.  I routinely gushed to Turk about Perry and I think that was one of the reasons he finally came around and supported the two of us.

              It wasn’t as thought Perry and I didn’t have our arguments.  The first one came when I insisted I was ready to go back to work.  My physical therapist had technically cleared me, but I was still easily fatigued and experienced occasional pain, which was to be expected.  I had gotten angry when Perry told me I absolutely was not going back to work yet.  I knew he was just trying to look out for me, but I had spent _so_ long cooped up in his apartment that I was desperate to get back to normal and be a doctor again.  It was bad enough that he insisted on supporting me while I was off work, refusing to let me pay him rent or buy groceries.  I had gotten so angry, in fact, that that was the first night we hadn’t spent together since I came home from the hospital. 

              I woke up that next morning considerably less angry and we talked it out.  I could tell Perry wasn’t used to this way of resolving disagreements, but he did remarkably well.  We were able to work through it and we agreed that I could wait a little longer.  Apart from that, we’d just had a few smaller fights, but it hadn’t been anything major.  He’d even let me decorate his apartment for Christmas without much of a fight.

              And now he was dancing with me, in front of half the hospital staff, and he didn’t seem to mind.  As we swayed to the music, I pictured our future together.  I _knew_ we would have a future together.  With Perry, it didn’t even have to be said.  He didn’t have to make me promises or even marry me if he didn’t want that.  I could see us together, with a dog or a cat, spending quiet nights in or going out to the bar with our friends.  Turk and Carla, Elliot and whoever she ended up with, maybe even Kelso every so often.  No matter what happened, Perry and I would be together.

              I hadn’t even told Perry these things yet, how I envisioned our lives together.  I wondered if eventually we’d maybe have a kid, but things like that were negotiable.  I knew Perry had strong feelings about marriage _and_ kids, and I felt it would be unfair to put that kind of pressure on him.  I figured I would get settled in as an attending before we even entertained either possibility.

              For now, I was content just to dance with him.

 

**Perry’s POV**

I had long since gotten past being annoyed by the people who stared at JD and me, which was why I was only a little hesitant about dancing with him at the Christmas party.  It wasn’t because I was worried about people looking at us.  It was just because I wasn’t exactly a good dancer, but luckily, it turned out JD just wanted me to hold him while we swayed a little.  It was actually sweet, how happy it made him.

              I thought to what I had planned for tomorrow morning: Christmas day.  If he was this happy to just dance with me, I had a feeling he would be nothing short of ecstatic when he opened his final present.  I’d thought long and hard about what to get him and this seemed like the perfect choice when I finally thought of this. 

              I could imagine the look on his face when he opened the small box and saw his engagement ring, the one that I’d even gone so far as to get Gandhi’s approval on.  For some reason, he even knew JD’s ring size, but I chalked that one up to their oddly close relationship.  I had somehow known it was the perfect ring for him the moment the salesman had taken it out of its case, and I didn’t hesitate in buying it.  I may not have believed in marriage before this, or put much faith in it, but I believed in love and I believed in JD.

              That was enough for me, spending the rest of my life with him.  I owed it to myself to do something that made me happy for one of the first times in my life.  And there was no one I’d rather do it with.


End file.
